Why asking me to take care of your critter is a very very bad idea.

Monday, September 22, 2008

These are taken from all the various times people have asked me to critter sit.

1. You think your dog it potty trained, and think it should stay inside the whole time you are gone on your week long trip. You ask us to go over and let it out 3 times a day. We do, but your dog is NOT potty trained. At all. It poops everywhere. (especially under your bed) we cleaned up the poop and cleaned the carpets before you got home. It was really gross.

2. Asking me to check on your dog every 2 hours (because it doesn't like to be alone) is ridiculous. We told you that we did. But, we didn't. We did however put in the Shania Twain CD every night for it to listen to while it slept. (wuh?)

3. Your dog that is an outside dog? Well. It wasn't while you were gone. It was hot, and ran inside when I left the back door open while I changed the water. I couldn't get it to go back outside. So, it stayed inside. Pretty much the whole time you were gone.

4. Your dog is a total escape artist. I put it outside, and left it like you told me to. But it wouldn't come when I called it back (only like 1 hour later). I looked and looked and looked... and then found a hole in your fence. Your dog ran away. I looked all over town for it for 2 days. Then, remember that I called you on vacation to tell you your dog ran away? Yeah. That was sad. You cried. A lot.

Then a farmer left a note on your door-- but I saw it-- and I ran and saved your dumb, escape artist dog before you got home.

5. This same escape artist dog ate your blinds. I don't know how it did, since its just a little, tiny brown thing... but it did. It ate your blinds.

6. Oh. And it growls at me every time I try to lock it in its cage. I tried hard the first night to get it in its cage-- even going so far as to lay on top of the table pushed next to the cage so it wouldn't bite me. Then I gave up and let it sleep on your bed.

7. Remember how you were complaining about not being able to find mates to your kids socks? Well. It's cause when you were gone, your dog was playing with them. He buried some in the backyard I tried to get them away from him, but he thought we were playing a game. And, your neighbors were laughing at me chasing your dumb dog all over the back yard...

8. Your dog has major issues. I gave it the dog valium like you said to when it rained... only I didn't know it was raining, so I guess I gave it too him to late. The thunder was too far away for my human ears to hear. But, not for your crazy dog. Nope. He jumped up into my bed, and burrowed his way to the bottom of the bed and then licked my toes. It was gross, and I kicked him. Sorry about that!

9. Then, because it got in our bed, and was freaking out. I took it back to your house... but it was acting really weird. I was worried maybe I had over dosed your dog. So I slept on your couch watching your dumb dog try and climb the walls. I really didn't sleep. And, your dog is weird.

10. I forget I am watching your dog, but remember in the middle of the night. So I get dressed and run over there to feed your dog and water the dog (thank heavens you left him outside this time)... Just in time for you to come home in the afternoon. He was only forgotten for 2 days... and there was still food and water. So no big deal, right??

11. Your dog pukes. A lot. And, I had to clean it up. It was gross.

12. Umm. Your dog? Yeah. It knows how to get out of its kennel. I don't know how it does it, but he does. Every! Freaking! Time! I come in the house... he is there to greet me. How? Do you have a Houdini dog??

Please don't ask me to critter sit for you. I suck at it!

Do you have any good critter sitting stories?
Do tell...

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28 monkeys jumping on the bed:

  1. MERRIANNE said...

    you are SOOOOO funny!!! ah haaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

  2. Laurel said...

    Oh...that is too, too funny! And sort of sad for you. And maybe a little for them. But they were all alive when you were finished. That is something!

  3. Erin said...

    I love dogs, from afar. My kids saw these pictures and wanted me to keep them up, or maybe make them wallpaper. Um, no thanks.

  4. tammy said...

    Okay this was HILARIOUS! I am a dog person and we have two, but it's totally different taking care of other people's dogs. Just like other people's kids. This was too funny. Gonna have to send a few people here to read this!

  5. JENNIFER said...

    oh my, pet sitting is exactly what you just wrote and ever so much more :)

  6. Janice said...

    You are better person than me. I don't watch neighbors pets or kids.

  7. Jan said...

    Dang. And I was going to have you watch Bentley. I don't have any horror stories except on the human kind. You are a very good friend to have around. Willing and somewhat able? Joking.

  8. Sher said...

    You are freakin' hilarious! SOOOO funny!
    One time, when I was in high school, my boyfriend went out of town, and asked me to feed his turtle. I forgot, and the turtle dies.
    The boyfriend came home.
    Then he broke up with me.

  9. McEwens said...

    too funny~~ and it is oh so true! We had a beloved pet die as we were supposed to pet sit, they forgot to tell us to turn OFF the lizard light at night.... so we cooked it.... yikes

  10. Thing 1 said...

    Hahahahaha!!! Oh and thanks for coming and saving me when that dog kept pooing every where!!! Soooooo GROSS!!!!

  11. MamaHenClucks said...

    Oh my gosh! That was hilarious! I'll be sure to never, ever ask you to pet sit my Kitty!

  12. tracystreehouse said...

    i am laughing my butt off! i will never ask you to watch my critter. i promise. but i will laugh when you cave in and agree to watch someone else's because i now i know how bad you suck at it!

  13. Jami said...

    I dog-sat once and the dog inexplicably turned bright GREEN within a day of my arrival. I was flipping out. It took me a couple days to figure out it loved to eat the tomato worms and was turning green from rubbing the tomato stems. Ew.

    BTW, I shall never, ever as long as I live show my mother this hilarious post. She is already a freaking psychopath about her eight dogs. No one is good enough to care for them. All dog sitters must be spied upon to report any deviations from the plan (which is posted in three different locations, just in case).

  14. Redhoodoos said...

    I actually just came over to see if you would babysit Creature the Cat, but, um... never mind.

    He would require you to pet him lovingly, open his blinds at the expected times, close the blinds, feed and water him frequently, brush him, compliment him, and tell him he is the most handsome cat ever. He also has special spots throughout the house that are only for his lounging benefits and must be kept clear of debris at all times. He's a spoiled cat.

    Funny post!! Love it.

  15. Jen R. said...

    I've never watched any dogs, but I did sit for my sister-in-laws beta fish for a week. I forgot that I was sitting for the fish and never fed it once all week. It died.

  16. busse said...

    You remember my friends Gary and Matt, right?:) Well anyway, Gary watched physcho Sophie for me once!! When I got home I found my mop by the front door and all of my plastic Easter eggs all over my floor. (it was Easter time) When I asked him about it he said that Sophie came around the corner and hissed at him. He jumped up on my counter (apparently he doesn't know cats can jump), and grabbed my basket full of eggs and started throwing them at her. Now, she really started hissing, because of course this wacko man is standing on her counter throwing things. Anyway he was able to find my mop and poke in her direction until he got to the front door. Each day after that, he would unlock the door reach for the mop and swing his way thru my house. Needless to say he doesn't Sophie sit anymore.

  17. Tammy said...

    Hysterical!!!! I know I am right there with you. People go a little more crazy about their animals than some people. it is quite amusing...though the Shania Twain cd was great!!!

  18. Rebecca said...


    Big dogs are hard for me to watch... small dogs are cute... angry and freaked out cats are never an easy thing...but all in all I LOVE animals - but if they're aggressive - no matter how much I love animals - NO THANK YOU!

    This blog post was hilarious! Well said! :)

  19. Rebecca said...

    p.s. AMAZING pictures!

  20. Mikki said...

    I dogsat about a year and a half ago for a sweet sister from church, whild she was giving birth to her baby--the dog ran away. We couldn't find her. I felt horrible to have to call her in the hospital and tell her we'd lost her dog. Thank goodness, it turned up the next day.

  21. "The Queen in Residence" said...

    I had to bribe one with bacon to get it in the kenel. I hate critter sitting too and everyone always asks us to do it. The last one was the Bishops' family and the thing would not move. I was so worried that it was going to die on us. 2 days after they got home it did. Good thing it was not on our watch.

    Too funny!!!

  22. wonder woman said...

    Umm.....just remembered I have to feed my own dogs. Back in a few.

  23. wonder woman said...

    Yet another reason I never wanted dogs. Finding people to watch them. Then having those people NEGLECT or LOSE my dogs. Way to go, Motherboard. I can't believe you!

    --just kidding. I hope I'm never asked to dog sit. I'd be the same as you. Forget about them till 1:30 am when I'm lying awake. Lovely.

  24. So said...

    That was a hilarious read.

    We were dog sitting for my in-laws and when we went to check on the dog he was under the bushes. My husband thought he was dead because he didn't get up when we drove in the driveway or when he was called. So he called one of his other brothers because he was freaking out. He didn't want to go and poke the dog because he was afraid if he wasn't dead the dog would come after him.

    It turns out the dog wasn't dead just deaf.

  25. Megan said...

    We have dogsat for our inlaws a few times and have always stayed at their house when we do. Well, the first time we did, we left to go out to eat or something and when we came back their disgusting bull dog (who gets really bad-smelling yeast infections in its ears) had snuggled its nasty jowls into my pillow getting slobber and boogers all over it. Later that day it threw up all over the floor right in front of me, causing me to lose it as well. That night it howled and barked in its crate until we let it out, at which point it joined us on the bed right where MY feet were supposed to go, and snored and struggled for breath all night because bull dogs are stupid and can't breath right. I kept kicking it all night long. Stupid dog! They put it down a little while ago and I really don't miss it.

    Sorry, you don't know me, but I like your blog.

  26. Mother Goose said...

    ohhh my gosh! this is me! yeah, I avoid taking care of other people's pets because I suck at it, and am forced to lie and am forced to make my kids do the job I agreed to do. Go take the dog out, leave him out for a few hours make sure he has shade and water.
    just leave him in the garage in case they have an accident. play the radio. yep, done them all. DING DONG!! oh family returns..
    oh yeah, it was no problem at all, yeah we morning walked him faithfully for 1/2 hour.
    oh every two hours we let him out just as scheduled. Yep, he was brushed also.
    mind you all of those things were done the day of their scheduled return! HEY DOGS have SHORT SHORT TERM Memory! they were still alive, fed and tended to. WOULD YOU like me TO sit for YOUR DOG???

  27. Talbot Family said...

    You couldn't pay me enough money in the world to critter sit for ANYONE! I don't care who you are, keep your pet to yourself or kennel it.

  28. Camille said...

    That is hilarious! This is why we don't have pets, we go out of town too often and don't want to burden others.