Judge me, if you must.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Have you ever noticed the crazy people and the crap they are buying at the grocery store (read: walmart)? I have. One of my favorite pastimes is people watching. I find myself wondering what they do, and what they think, and if they have a good life. The term good being relative, of course.

I was at Wal-mart a while back, watching a woman interacting with her 6 children. It was late. Well, late for little kids to be out (read 10-ish). The oldest one with her was a boy, about Thing 2's age (10) with two pierced ears and a nicely colored Mo-hawk. Not a fo-hawk, but a MO-HAWK.

It was hot.

There was a child, about 3, passed out underneath the shopping cart-- you know, where you put your dog food? There were 2 babies, about 18months sitting/standing in the cart screaming their heads off and two more kids running around the cart, screaming, like they were high on crack. Or sugar.

It was a whirlwind of chaos. The lady sort of lost it, and started screaming at her kids. Right there in the Wal-mart.

Let's be honest, I have wanted to do that to my own insurgents many, many times. I found myself having varying levels of sympathy for her... until she turned around and I noticed her white hot attire and what she had placed on the checkout counter.

As she turned around, I couldn't help but notice the giant double F honkers she was trying to stuff back into her super tighty-nighty that was being used as a shirt. Her sweet skin-tight PLEATHER pants looked smokin'... what with her enormous giant double F honkers casting a beautiful shadow... sans bra.

Now, before you send me hate mail for being so rude about someones unruly children or those giant breasts... realize that I have giant enormous E honkers. You special order those bras. I know. I have 4. Children and bras.

As I scanned the check-out counter, while listening to the cacophony created by her crazed, sugar rushed children, and her shrill voice listing off how her kids where driving her insane, and she had no idea how she got here... I saw her purchases...

Condoms.
Cool whip.
Lingerie
KY Jelly.

Seriously.

I know how she got there.


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20 monkeys jumping on the bed:

  1. Me said...

    Wow! I'm pretty sure WE ALL KNOW how she got there! She might want to try a different brand of condoms, however. What ever she is using doesn't seem to be working.

  2. Musings of the Mrs. said...

    At least she was buying condoms. Those poor kids. I hope the cool whip was for their dessert (and for nothing else).

  3. Jenn said...

    I do not blame you. I would have thought the same thing. It makes me very sad for those kids. Hopefully someone in Double F's life will interviene on behalf of the children.

  4. wonder woman said...

    Oh. My.

    This is wrong on so many levels.

    Some people, you can't help but judge!! Bless her heart. Ü

  5. Alicia said...

    No. Way! I shouldn't laugh - but that's just funny. And not in a funny, haha I wish that were me - but like SNL dirty funny. Like, it's so sad you just have to laugh. I guess it just shocks me that there really are people out there like that!

  6. Larsen's said...

    This is funny! Yeah maybe I shouldn't laugh. I feel bad for her that she has to drag all of her kids out late to buy all THAT STUFF. Poor lady...you wonder what is going on in her head and what self worth she has and just what type of life she has. I hope the kids are taken care of and not in any danger!

  7. Rachel said...

    Thank you for the brilliantly worded visual and the laugh.

  8. Teri said...

    Um, so we all KNOW how she got there, the artifacts are just proof that she's still doing it! Eee Gadds! I've often seen people and think..."They know what causes that these days..." Doesn't matter though, crazy lady will probably keep making the same mistake and teach her kids to do the same.

  9. Mrs. B. Roth said...

    While no one is judging - stories like this make it much easier to support gay marriage, if you ask me. Did you notice if there was a ring, by the way? Ah well, it doesn't matter. Boycott Wal-Mart, I say. All society's problem seem to start there.

  10. Sher said...

    Dang! I didn't think anyone I knew would see me that night. I was hoping going to Walmart in my sexy nighty with all of my sugar crazed children to by sex stuff at 10:00 at night was safe.
    Oh well, cat's out the bag now.

  11. Bee and Rose said...

    Heck yeah, that's exactly how she got there! What a hoot! LOL!!!

  12. natalie said...

    That deserves an Oh my hell! You are LYING!! Where's the camera phone when you need it?

  13. Heather said...

    Yeah for music and ipods.

    heatherdemke(at)gmail(dot)com

  14. Sarah said...

    HEY WHAT I DO AT THE WALMART AT 1PM IS MY BUSINESS!!!!

  15. flip flop mama said...

    Whoa...

  16. One Cluttered Brain said...

    ROFL! Thanks for the laugh. WOW! yeah we ALL know how she got where she was. hehehe. Youa re a wonderful storyteller. have you ever written anything that is NOT in blog form? You should try writing a book. You paint such a good picture.

  17. Sarah said...

    I meant to say 10 pm... embarassed....

  18. Stephanie said...

    I agree. Ya never know what you will find at WalMart. Special deals. Special everything. All crazy.... and sometimes 24 hrs a day. I've always thought they should have a daycare drop off at the entrance. So you can shop away from the chaotic screaming kids and moms.

  19. TangledEutopia said...

    That is just hilarious! I know sometimes you simply can't leave your kids at home while you run "big girl" errands, but nothing bugs me more than seeing a 20 year old mama with a 10 month old on her hip, comin' outta the nail salon...Bet she gets in the car and lights up too...cuz after all,she's been in there a whole hour. Oops, did I just hit send on this????

  20. JustRandi said...

    Ok that is just wrong. And hilarious. And wrong.