How to know if you are a REAL Mom

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

1. Your dinner consists of leftovers. From everyone elses plates.

2. Your baby dumps the gigantic bag of jumbo Costco cereal all over the floor. You look around to make sure the imaginary nanny cam isn't watching, and you scoop the cereal up and put it back in the bag.

3. The remaining cereal that was on the floor longer than the 30 second rule would allow gets swept into a pile. Then, rather than put it in the garbage, you call the dog to come feast on the cereal goodness on the floor.

4. While in the public restroom doing your "business" your baby decides to climb under the door to the stall next to you. That's occupied. Before you can drag her back under to your stall, she asks your bathroom neighbor "what doing?"

5. Then because you've traumatized your baby by dragging her across the nasty bathroom floor, you hold her in your lap --while you're still doing your "business"--to stop the hysterical screaming. And, to keep her from doing it again.

6. Showering has become a communal event. The baby pounds on the shower door, sobbing. So rather than listen to her sob, and pound, you let her shower with you.

7. The TV is blaring Barney, Dora, Arthur, iCarly or some other equally painful child's show when you suddenly realize you are the only person home. And, you were actually enjoying it.

8. Your idea of a good day is showering. Alone. Before 5pm.

9. Your idea of eating out suddenly turns from Outback to McDonald's. And you like it because the kids have a playground. And no spare ribs to dip in your Diet Coke.

10. You find yourself wondering if you will pass the 4th grade, or 5th grade, or 8th grade. For the second time (and it's much harder this time 'round).

11. You're doing a downward dog with a kid riding piggy-back.

12. Your purse holds more toys, crackers, cars, binkies or babies than it does your own personal items.

13. When the kids are whining there's no more toilet paper you wonder what they're crying about. There's bum wipes in every bathroom. What more could they want?

14. You get everyone dolled up and to church on time. Once there you look down and realize you have on one blue shoe and one black shoe.

15. Your children look like mini Sherpa's because of all the paraphernalia they insist on dragging with them in the car. Even if it's just to go around the corner.

Finish this sentence: You know you're a REAL mom when . . .

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17 monkeys jumping on the bed:

  1. Kristina P. said...

    Well, my boobs are already down to my knees. Does that count?

    I am also currently watching Teen Mom, on MTV right now. You might want to take them up on that condom offer.

  2. TJ said...

    when you're too tired to bother with makeup anywhere but church.

  3. Lara said...

    When your toddler hands you a booger, and you carry it around with you until you can get a tissue. And it doesn't phase you at all.

    PS. I'm having a hard time passing the 4th grade right now.

  4. Sarah said...

    You don't own a single shirt that does not have some sort of stain on it.

  5. 2busy said...

    when the pacifier falls on the ground and you lick it clean for the baby.

  6. Kristen said...

    I think you've covered it pretty well!!

  7. wonder woman said...

    give up the last of your French Vanilla hot chocolate so your child can have some. Which they will then spill when drinking, leaving you to mop it up.

  8. Lady of Perpetual Chaos said...

    ...whenever you go to the bathroom you are joined by 2 children and the dog. And whatever toys that happen to be playing with at the time.

    Also, AMEN on all the others.

  9. Annette Lyon said...

    When you sweep the kitchen, and half of what you pick up isn't crumbs, but colorful bits of play dough, a toy ring, a barrette, half a pencil, a sucker stick . . . and fifteen other things.

    You start loading it all into the dust pan, but the kids start running. "Don't throw that away! It's MIIIIINE!"

  10. InkMom said...

    When you put on a sweater that you wore last winter, but didn't wash because you only had it on a few hours, and you're in charge of the laundry, and your husband asks you what that gross stuff is on your back. And it's spit up. A year old.

  11. Rachel Sue said...

    When you put your hand in front of your child's mouth to catch their vomit, rather than get it on the neighbor's couch.

  12. Brooke said...

    When you can breastfeed and do just about anything, including doing your "business" or cooking dinner.
    When you begin to hate the sound of your name "MOM!!!!"

  13. Amber Lynae said...

    I am guilty of being a real mom because I can relate or have experienced more than my fair share of yours and the commenter example.....

    I say you know you're a real mom when a trip to the walmart without any one else, is as much fun as Disneyland.

  14. DeNae said... realize that they are too old for you to have all the answers and solutions to their problems, and you pray and pray that the same kid who last week thought micro-cooking a boiled egg was a good idea will somehow remember that he has a temple recommend and the ability to receive direction for himself.

    It doesn't end with spit-up, girls...

  15. kado! said... look forward to that you can do what ever you want...and it usually ends up being sleeping!

    ha! I laughed at almost every single one...of course because they are true! Loved #15!!

  16. Sher said... get nasty looks from all of the people who see you walking out of Target, with your 4 year old who is shivering from the cold because she's not wearing a coat, because she had a major tantrum in the car, and refused to put her coat on so you let her win her battle. So now she's cold.

  17. Sher said...

    I love Annette's! So true for me. So, so true.