The sun is finally shining here in Crazyland and it feels mighty fine. I spent the better part of the day sitting in my tacky old camping chair, reading a book and watching Moxie Pants draw with chalk and chase birds. She was hell bent on catching one of those singing birds on her finger so that she could put it in her back pack to take her BFF's house to show her.

It was delightfully perfect. I had the sun beating down on my mug, and my baby chatting my ear off about birds and chalk towns.

Nirvana, it was. 

And, I just might do it again today.

As long as the wind stops and the clouds go away, that is.

*****

 *****
I watched my kids yesterday, happily interacting with each other it made me soar further into my happy place. At one point the two oldest actually embraced in a heartfelt hug and I nearly died from happiness. Everyone was running around, laughing, playing, joking and I just wanted to pause the moment and bask in its perfectness. This, this perfect moment of everyone being happy and playing together, is the moment that will be seared into my brain forever. It's the moment that we have been tirelessly working towards.

Yesterday it finally showed up and I damn near died from the sheer joy of watching it unfold.

This past several years have been rocky, rough and frankly like walking the seventh rim of Hell. Truthfully, I didn't think that we would ever survive, let alone find ourselves surfing the Nirvana waves like we were yesterday. I can honestly look back to where I was last year, and the year before and I don't even recognize not just the person that I was,  but that family we were. We have all changed, and it has been for the better.

It's costing us an arm, a leg and a couple of ear lobes to facilitate these changes, but you know what? It's money well spent. At the end of the day stuff is just stuff, but people and relationships? They mean WAY more than just crappy old stuff.

For the first time in YEARS my family is happy. And that makes this Mama very happy.

*****

1. I Love You but I Don't Know What to Say - Ryan Adams
2. Maps - Yeah Yeah Yeahs
3. Sideways - Citizen Cope
4. Never Satisfied (revisited) - Jackie Greene
5. Get Up, Get Up, Get Up - Barcelona
6. One of Those Days - Joshua Radin
7. Blue Mind - Alexi Murdoch
8. Jolene - Ray LaMontagne 
9. Wishlist - Pearl Jam
10. Hearts a Mess - Gotye

Bonus: Oh - Dave Matthews Band

Moxie is at the age where she says pretty much everything that comes to her mind and it keeps us not only on our toes, but laughing hysterically.

She notices everything and comments on it all. Sans a filter and I sort of love it.

Because this kid?

She’s funny.

Peeps.

Her sense of humor is strong and prevalent. It’s one of the things I love about her! She’s only four, and she has a super quick wit and wry sense of humor. It makes me excited to see what it evolves into the older she gets.

Take for instance these conversations that she had with me and her siblings. We were chatting in bed the other night—because “she found her words and they needed to get out” – and she was jumping from one train of thought to the next faster than a speeding bullet.

We would barely get registered the funny things she was saying, and she was off again on another brain tangent.

I love it when my kids are this age. Every single one of them has had these verbal purge moments and it completely melts my heart and is the highlight of mothering for me. They say basically everything that comes to mind—and yes. Sometimes it’s even inappropriate.

{ Why is that man so fat Mommy? } 

{Why does the birds sing like that Mommy?}

{What is that man’s name Mommy? No. Really. WHAT is his name [this is when I make up strange names and stories about the people she wondering about, just so that she will move on to the next thought] }

It always makes me sad when they grow out of this stage because this is the best one of all. We can listen to them say everything that we are thinking, and they can’t get in trouble for it ‘cause they’re too dang cute. And further, we can join in and be silly with them and not even bat an eye at the awkwardness that is the conversation. Those are the best conversations ever.

Take these most recent ones:

Me: Where’s my phone?

Moxie: People’s makes lots of calls, huh Mom?

Me: Yeah.

Moxie: Well. The man says ‘One Call, and That’s All.’

Me: {gut busting laugh} YES! Yes He. Does.

Moxie: And you know what Mom?

Me: What?

Moxie: I thinks he’s right. Peoples makes too many calls. One is enough.

*****

Me: Want some fries?

Moxie: Yes.

{Silence while fries are eaten}

Moxie: Mom?

Me: Yes?

Moxie: Did you know that Unicorns live on Mars?

*****

The day we move into boring, regular every-day conversations is the day I start to mourn. She is my baby. My last. The end of the awesome, off-the-wall conversations spurred on by sporadic, uncensored, unfiltered thoughts.

I loves it and I will miss it.

Recently I was with my friend and we stopped at McDee's to get ourselves a Diet Coke so that we could continue the amazing conversation that we were having-- and not get parched as we talked the night away.

One of my favorite songs-- and apparently her's too-- came on because we both started singing at the top of our lungs together. We were in perfect synch as we were waiting for our turn to pay and get our drinks. Bouncing along, singing-- It was absolutely perfect. It's times like these that make up my Kodak moments of life-- complete with a soundtrack.

And then my friend started singing the last verse.  Or what she thought was the last verse.

Just as the McDee's Man opened the window he heard TWO versions of that verse.

Mine of course, was the correct version because we (the McDee's man and I) both at the same time said to my friend "What did you just say?"

She looked at me, scrunched up her nose and said "Stop it! I sang the lyrics."

I looked at the McDee's man, who was laughing, and said  "Uhhh... No you didn't. Sing it again."

Which she did.

And it was wrong.

In so many ways, it was wrong, wrong baby, wrong. 

Me: Did you just say "like a hair on your untrimmed chest?"

Friend*: Yes. Shut up! That's the line in the song.

Me: And then what did you sing?

(McDonalds man is still listening. AND LAUGHING)

Friend: Like a bird in your vagina.

Me: Uhh.. Yeah. That's not how the song goes.

Friend: Yes it is. Stop being such a prude.

Me: Seriously. That is NOT the lyrics to this song.

Friend: It is too.

Me: WHY for the love of all things holy would you put a bird in your vagina? For hell's sake, REALLY?  A BIRD? In your vagina. Wuh the wuh-wuh??

(McDee's man is wiping the tears now as he listens to this gift I am giving him).

Friend: Uhhh. I thought it was some weird sex thing.

(McDee's Man starts laughing even harder) 

Me: Seriously? Think about it. A Bird. IN your vagina. For reals? WHY?

Friend: I dunno. Maybe not?

Me: That's right. Positively not.

Friend: Ok, Smarty Pants. What are the lyrics then?

Me:  LIKE A VIRGIN, YOU'RE MADONNA.

(McDee's man bursts out laughing. Again.) 

Friend: Shut up. Both y'all.(points to the McDee's man and Me) I'll never speak to either of you again if you tell anyone it was me that sang it this way.

Me: Oh. For sure. I'll never tell a living soul. Pinky Swear. **

And I turned to the McDee's man, and said "You're welcome and have a nice day."

And now You're Welcome, and I hope YOU have a nice day.

You will never be able to sing that song again without thinking of me. And my dumb cute friend.


*identity kept a secret to protect the guilty. 

**she is aware of this post and approves of it. sort of. in an anonymous sort of way. 

"A strong positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug." - Patricia Neal

I give my teenage son and his friends (and my daughter, too) a public service announcement every time I see them and twice a day when I drive them all to school.

It started as a joke at the beginning of the year I would greet them with a hearty "Hello Children of the Corn!" and then snicker all the way to school because they had no idea what I was saying.

That lasted all of two days when one of the smarty-pant boys got in the car and said "I Googled that and I know what the means now. You're calling us killers."

So, I added something new that day to my routine.

 I greeted all of them with the same hearty hello and then sent them on their way with a rousing "Don't kill anyone today! Make good choices, and just say NO to drugs and porn."

When I pick them up from school I ask them all how their days were, and specifically ask "Did you kill anyone today? Smoke any pot? Looked at any naughty pictures?" When they all responded with a resounding NO! I break out an enthusiastic round of applause and yell "YAY! You did it! You had a super successful day! Great job guys!" 

At first they were horrified that I would say that to them.

I mean what Mother in their right mind would openly talk to their kids like that about killing, drugs and porn?

Me, that's who.

For the longest time, they didn't know how to handle my little PSA announcement as they were dropped off and picked up. Honestly, I think I scared them for a while. They just didn't know how to take me.

Whenever my son would have his friends over, I would make sure that I said that my mantra to all of them. I wanted them to know what my "expectations" were.

It's funny to see how it's now turned into something that my son expects of me. He had a friend over spending the night and as I wandered off to bed, I told them my abbreviated mantra: "Make good choices tonight guys and just say no to porn!"

Thing 2's friend looked shell-shocked and as I headed up the stairs I heard him say "What the heck did your Mom just say?" Thing2 proceeded to tell him that I always tell him that "Make good choices and just say no to drugs and porn" He then said "she sometimes throws other stuff in there too, but she always reminds me to say no and make good choices. She just wants us to be good."

And that right there warmed my heart.

That really IS all I want.

I want them to make good choices.

I want them to say no to drugs and porn.

If I say it enough, maybe when they are faced with a choice, they will hear me in their heads warning them to "make good choices and just say no."

I like to think that it's working, too. One summer we spent the entire summer, every chance we got, pounding the story of Joseph who was sold into Egypt into their brains. He was faced with a choice-- a naughty girl wanted to do naughty things with him -- and he turned around and ran. He ran so fast out of there that he left his coat. THAT HE WAS WEARING. That's high-tailing it out of Dodge pretty dang fast, if you ask me.

The pounding of that story into their brains is working -- along with my daily mantra -- because one night Thing 2 came home from a sleepover at 1am. He hummed and hawed around and finally told me that the boys were doing and saying bad stuff, so he told them to stop and they wouldn't. He asked again, and they still refused and he remembered Joseph running away and Me always telling him to make good choices, so he packed it up and WALKED HOME.

He made a good choice, peeps. He did it. He was successful. 

The boys from the carpool have asked me to add one more thing to my daily mantra: Don't steal anyone's soul today.

I will gladly oblige and say it over and over again if it will help them all to keep their noses clean.

"Make Good Choices, people. Don't kill anyone today and no stealing people's souls. And remember:  just say NO to drugs and porn."

If you can do all that, you will have a successful day!

*****
That's all she wrote, peeps.

I'm working on a super fun project that's keeping me pretty busy-- and you can join me if you want.

1. Dear Chicago - Ryan Adams
2. A Punk - Vampire Weekend
3. Colors - Amos Lee
4. Sex On Fire - Kings of Leon
5. The Shadowlands - Ryan Adams
6. Smile - Mia & Jonah
7. No Ones Gonna Love You - Band of Horses
8. Heart Skipped A Beat - The Xx
9. Somebody That I Used to Know - Gotye
10.  Free Fallin' (live) (acoustic) - John Mayer

Bonus: Grace Is Gone - Dave Matthews Band

Writing in my journal has always been an important part of my life. I carry various notebooks with me everywhere I go and write down the thoughts and feelings I have. Sometimes I am able to go weeks without something needing to get out, and other times I can't seem to write my thoughts down fast enough-- hence my blog.

Typing my thoughts out is much faster than taking pen to paper.

However, I literally have hundreds of notebooks and journals floating around that contain my thoughts, struggles, trials, Quotes and words of encouragement that I hear from others. When I am really struggling, my notebooks are ever present and I record everything that pricks my heart and helps me feel like I can move forward.

Recording the stories of my family is important to me and I hope that my children and grandchildren will thank me one day for taking the time to capture them. I know how I feel when I am able to read the private thoughts of my Grandparents-- It makes me feel connected to them and I understand myself more when I am able to read their words.

My Father took the time one year to transcribe my Grandmothers journal and then had it bound for all of us as a Christmas gift. I promptly sat down and devoured every single word. She had a hard life and yet she never lost her faith, in fact she lived by it. She never said an unkind word about anyone-- a trait that my Father inherited.

My Dad did the same thing with my Grandfathers journal and when I saw my Grandpa's handwriting, tears sprang to my eyes. He had beautiful handwriting, which I think was rather common place in the 30's and 40's. His journal was full of poems-- some silly, others serious-- and it just fit that his journal be filled with these things. I remember him always telling us poems and stories and how much I loved hearing them. He was a jokester and had such a healthy sense of humor.

Reading my Grandparents journals did for me what the man in the video said it did for him-- it helped me understand myself better. I am stubborn, so is my Grandmother. I love to laugh, joke and tease, and so did my Grandfather. Understanding who my ancestors were is helping me to understand better who I am. And, who I have the potential to become.

I love hearing the stories of "the olden days" -- stories that my Grandparents would tell, and also the ones that my parents would tell. Some of my fondest memories involve me and my Dad sitting around our kitchen table and him telling me stories about what it was like to grow up in Randolph, Utah.

The coldest place on the face of the planet. And a place that time forgot.

Recently Family Search asked me to help them write on their blog about the 1940's and as I have been researching it, reading about it and frankly learning about my own personal heritage, I have felt my heart being pricked yet again.

 I know that I want to do it -- gather my family's stories -- and the Spirit is speaking to me, but keeping that fire ignited all the time is hard. The fire comes and goes in wanting to collect the dates, but the gathering of stories is something that has always been very important to me.

Truthfully, the stories are what we fall in love with-- not obscure dates-- and the stories are what helps us power through the difficult trials that we may encounter in life. At least that's been my experience while working on this project.

Family Search is looking for Blog Ambassadors to help rally the troops and get people excited about not only the 1940's but helping execute the largest community service project ever recorded -- Indexing the 1940 Census. Anyone, from any religion, can help be an ambassador (and win swanky cool prizes) and anyone can help index the 1940's Census.

Heck. They've made it so easy to participate-- you can even index from your phone, iPod, iPad or iTouch now-- because there's an App for that! 

Guys, this is a good thing to be involved in. Think about the people in your past that you love, and the support, comfort and help they have given you. Digitizing these records will make it possible for other relatives to connect with them and feel these feelings as well.

At the very least, the documents that are being digitized could be what your posterity needs in order to feel like they can "carry on in this little trial".

Click here to participate in the Blog Ambassador Program and click here to help in the 1940 Community Project. 

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards."  -- Soren Kierkegaard

Somewhere on my body is a magnet that attracts crazy people.

I'd really like to find this magnet and have it uninstalled because I'm not exaggerating in the least little bit when I tell you crazy people are attracted to me. In part, it is my fault because I am a chatty patty. I am able to chat with anyone. Crazy people love the fact that someone actually sees them and will carry on a conversation with them. If the conversation lasts less than two minutes, then I'm OK. It's when it goes on for long stretches -- and then they won't go away -- that it makes me squirm.


Like the lady who comes in every night to work to read my palm and predict how many children I am going to have. I am not kidding. She also likes to tell me how long I am going to live and what kind of problems I can expect to face in the next five years, and then gives me a box of chocolates. Every single time she comes in to the store.

Me thinks I'd rather not know what is coming my way if they're anything at all like she says is coming down my pipeline.

Then there was the Vietnam Vet who had to tell me all sorts of slap-stick jokes while he proceeded to pee his pants in front of me.

Yes he did. TOTALLY peed his pants right in front of me. I promptly picked up the phone and called "Housekeeping. STAT."

SO. GROSS.

Then there was the man who brought his bike into the store and wanted me to not only watch it -- because it is so cool everyone wants to steal it -- but put a tracking device on the shirt he wanted to buy NEXT MONTH. And, it couldn't be just any shirt that looked the same as the one he was holding-- it had to be that exact one.

There was also the lady who could hardly walk, let alone shop with her kids, because she had shot up on Meth in the bathroom.

#True story.

Or the dudes from Turkey who were trying to convince me that I needed to give them the "tourist" discount because they were hot Turkey Men. I told them I would if they would give me job-alimony for the rest of my life.

People. The moon is forcing the crazies out of their caves and they are flocking to me like I am their leader and Schmoles is their mothership.

What does that even mean?

*****
Hindsight it always 20/20 and I have a tendency to be way too trusting. I would never purposefully hurt someone, say something degrading or a half-truth about someone to other people. I have a tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt over and over again until I have been burned so bad it is beyond repair.

Is that a good quality or a bad one?

I don't know.

I just know that even when I am faced with the truth that people are blatantly stating untruths about me, I can't bring myself to "argue" the facts. It's exhausting and people will believe what they choose to believe and that's that.

People may say that they never believe anything they hear is actually an incorrect statement. People may think they don't  believe it, but their opinions are being molded by what they hear others say. That is just human nature.

Communication is a tricky skill, and I think people -- me included -- would be surprised if they could hear a recording of the conversations they are saying happened and realize that things are actually much different than what we both remember.

*****
Yesterday was Jefe's 41st Birthday. I was talking on the phone with my friends (we do free conference call.com so we can all talk together at the same time-- its a total blast!) and was posting a video to his Facebook wall when we got the crazy idea that I should post 41 birthday videos to his wall.

We then spent the next 30 minutes coming up with crazy Happy Birthday videos for Jefe. Want to know what they were? Cause peeps. They were HILARIOUS.

No?

Too Bad.

I'm gonna tell you anyway:

1. Ting Tings
2. U2 
3. Gwen Stefani 
4. Justin Beiber 
5. Brittney Spears  
6. Alicia Keys  
7. Rihanna
8. Madonna
9. Lady Gaga
10. Cat Singing Happy Birthday 
11. Jack Black 
12. Adam Sandler  
13. Swedish Chef
14. Jackson 5 in Spanish
15. Jimi Hendricks
16. Janis Joplin 
17. AC/DC
18. The Office
19. Gonzo
20. Sesame Street
21. Feliz Cumpleanos
22. The Ramones
23. Darth Vader
24. Happy Birthday Lisa - The Simpsons/Michael Jackson *my favorite!
25. Horses Singing Happy Birthday
26. Marilyn Monroe
27. Belly Dancer Happy Birthday (with a Coupon)
28. Satan 
29. Guns and Roses 
30. The Ramones 
31. Kermit the Frog 
32. The Old Guys on the Muppets 
33. The Three Stooges 
34. Sponge Bob sings Happy Birthday    
35. The Chipmunks  
36. The Beatles 
37. Julio Iglesias 
38. Dolly Parton & Willie Nelson  
39. Ray Orbison
40. Bob Marley  
41. Maroon 5

I think I broke his phone as all 41 Facebook notices hit his phone at the exact same time. During a business meeting.

Yes. I know. I totally need to get a life.

*****

Have a good weekend peeps. We're hanging low and calling it good. 


1. Night Drive - Gotye
2. Let Go - Frou Frou
3. When the Roses Bloom Again - Billy Bragg & Wilco
4. They - Jem
5. The Stars Just Blink For Us - Say Hi To Your Mom
6. Lights (bassnecter remix) - Ellie Goulding
7.Orange Sky - Alexi Murdoch
8. Wake Up -Arcade Fire
9. Ghostwriter - RJD2
10. Something Good Can Work (The Twelves Remix) - Two Door Cinema Club

Bonus: Learn to Love - Ryan Adams

Jefe and I have the same conversation every year: "Are we going to celebrate V-day this year?" and every year we decide to wait and celebrate it (maybe) the weekend AFTER the big love-fest.

I sort of hate the big love fest that goes on because all it really is a comparison fest. Or a guilt fest. Or a my-husband-gets-me-better-presents-than-you-fest.

And really, who likes that?

Not I said the cranky girl on the back row.

It's also not because I don't have love in my life-- because I do. Lots of it.

To quote Rihanna "We found love in a hopeless place."

Truer words have never been sung.

I love Jefe like a Zombie loves brains.

I love him like a back ally whore loves crack.

I love him like a fat girl loves cake and I love him like an Emo kid loves tight pants.

Peeps.

This dude has my heart.



I'm gonna be honest with you here. Cause if I'm anything at all it's honest with my friends on the internet.

As a teen I freakin' LOVED Valentines Day. I think it was because when I was in 9th Grade, I had NO Boyfriend and was happily minding my own business in Mr. Day's 6th period Science class (which was totally nasty, yo) and the student body officers came in to hand out the Valentines. I knew I wouldn't be getting one because hello? I had no boyfriend.

I watched as all the girls (and boys) got corsages --- YES CORSAGES -- that they could put on for the dance that was happening in like 15 minutes. If you think about it-- that's really a horrible thing to subject teenagers to. Handing out corsages on VALENTINES DAY to then be worn to a DANCE where they HOPE someone will dance with them.

Imagine my complete surprise when they called out my name "Elisa You're the next contestant on embarrass the crap out of you while you walk to the front of the class to get this flower thing." 

I actually asked them if they meant me because there were two other Lisa's in the class with me. The Student Body Officer grinned at me and looked me straight in the eye-ball while he spelled my name "E-L-I-S-A  that's YOU, right?"

{wink}

Umm. Yes.

{did he just wink at me?}

But why?

I had no clue why anyone would want to buy me a corsage. I was convinced it was my friends playing a mean trick on me.

Imagine how stunned I was when I read the card:

"To Elisa, From Loren. I'll meet you in the dance."

HOL.EE. COW.

The hottest guy in THE WHOLE SCHOOL (who was also an officer) had sent me a Valentine and I didn't even know that he liked me.

Heaven, I tell you. Pure heaven. 

I wasn't planning on going to the dance I was going to go home. However, I promptly changed my mind as the class Cat-Called me while I walked back to my seat. I sat there blushing like, well, the school girl that I was.  I danced the afternoon away with my new found love and we had a marvelous romance that lasted all of fifteen minutes.

(I really have no idea how long it lasted but it was good, yo.)

As an adult, nothing has ever lived up to that teenage vision of Valentines Day. Finding out someone has a secret crush on you is pretty hypnotic.

But, what is even better is re-discovering your lover and seeing him with new eyes. That's pretty hypnotic, too. And the Fringe Benefits are most excellent, yo.

I don't need no stinking holiday to realize I've got it pretty good here in Crazyland. 'Cause I see it. I know I do. Things were seriously rough there for a while, Peeps. But, I gots it bad for Jefe and we're plowing through. Isn't that really what love is all about? Knowing each others shiz and then deciding they're still swanky fun?

Me thinks so.

Moxie Pants is such a kick. She is at the age where she just says what she thinks -- much like her mother who never actually grew OUT of that stage -- and the stuff she says leaves me LOLing.

Maybe that's why I enjoy being around her so much. She says what she thinks, with no filter. And so do I. Sometimes.

I love the fact that whenever anything goes missing she thinks about it and then yells at the top of her lungs "It's the Binky Monster. He steals EVERYTHING!"

I am constantly left laughing at the crazy stuff she comes up with and how that crazy cute brain of hers works.

Take for instance these conversations:

Moxie: How do I climb the wall?

Me: Huh?

Moxie: This wall. How do I climb it?

Me: Umm. You can't.

Moxie: I could if I were a frog. How can I be a frog?

*****
Moxie: I want a TV in my room.

Me: {muttered under my breath} Dream On baby.

Moxie: Oh. OK. I also want a fridge for all my own soda and a baff-tub.

*****
Moxie: Mom?

Me: Yeah babe?

Moxie: Can you log me on to Kids.net.org?

Me: Wuh?

Moxie: You know. The internet? Can you log me on? 

Me: Wow.

*****

Me: Why is your face blue?

Moxie: Because I got ready for Primary all by myself.

Me: But, why is your face blue?

Moxie: Cause I wanted to wear makeup and be blue.

Me: Oh. Well that makes perfect sense.

*****
Me: Where's my lip goo?

Moxie: You mean this? {showing me my brand-new EMPTY jar of Burts Bee's Wax}

Me: Uh, yeah. What happened to it?

Moxie: I ate it.

Me: WHY?

Moxie: Cause it's good.

*****
Waitress: And what will she {pointing to Moxie} have to drink?

Moxie: {putting her hand up} I got dis Mom. I wanna have a diet coke with this much ice {showing her hands super big}

Me: {laughing} I'll have what she's having.

*****
Me: What did you learn about in Primary today?

Moxie: Umm. Lemme think. Oh yeah. I know. Go Diego Go. Or God. I can't remember really.

*****
I just can't get enough of this kid. Every time we interact she leaves me wanting more. She is so fun to be around and her silly laugh makes my day. I'll be sad when she enters the phase that all of my kids have eventually entered -- The one that I "lovingly" call the "Need to Know" phase.

And you  Mom?

You don't need to know. Anything.

And when that happens it will make me sad. 'Cause hearing her blurt out every single thought she has? It warms me to the depths of my soul.

"Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record."  -- Tom Masson

Word.

me laughing, because dang. I'm funny.

One of the qualities that I value most in people is their sense of humor. If you have one, I probably heart you. If you don't we probably aren't friends.There is value in being able to bust-a-gut laugh with someone-- it bonds you and is the best anti-depressant around.

Besides, the more you laugh the younger you look. Serious. I read it on the Internet, so it must be true. 

How boring would life be without people who see the irony in life and happily point it out? Sure. Life is hard, sad and all that other depressing crap. But, it's also funny. You just have to look for it, but it's there. Pinky Swear.

*****
Moxie is trying to kill me slowly. She loves my diet coke more than I do and I feel like a mean old ogre every time I yank it out of her hands. Truthfully, I have a problem sharing with her. Not because she drinks it all (she does) but because she likes to take the lid off my McDee's cup and then PLAY WITH THE ICE. In the Diet Coke.

People. That is just plain old nasty.

Who knows where those hands have been.

Actually. I do. That's why I am a mean old ogre when it comes to my Diet Coke.

Mama Don't Share Well.

*****
I got buckets of emails and texts from people asking about "The Stalker."

Yes I had one. 

No. It was not a traffic ploy.

(although note to self: that would be a good idea. start working on a fictional series ...)

Yes I am fine.

No they haven't tried to kill me.

Yes I did send TWO cease and desist letters telling asking them to leave me alone. The last one seemed to have done the trick. It was rather forceful and held all sorts of promises of what we could and would do to them if they did not stop immediately.

It may have even included a threat about a horse-head in their bed, too. 

Or not.

Man. I'm glad Jefe is an Attorney and not a Garbage Man. That brain of his has come in handy more times than not.

*****
I have found myself reflecting on the friends that I have been blessed with in my life. A lot of them have come and gone, but there have been a core group of women that have stood by me-- through thick and thin-- and I don't know what I would do without them.

Good friends are ones who are willing to call you on your crap, and then help you stand up and be better. Those are the friends that I have surrounded myself with. They know my stuff, and still love me anyway.

It's been an interesting case study for me this past year. I would be honest in telling you that 2011 was absolutely the worst year of  my life. And, when I confided to some of my friends while I was going through it-- it was interesting to me the ones who stuck around and helped pull me through and the ones who quickly bailed. The ones I thought would be the stalwart ones were the ones who bailed, and the ones who stayed are the ones who have become my rocks... my true friends.

My blogging friends-- Caroline, Veronica, Melissa and Julie are my rocks. They would send gobs of emails-- bouncing them back so fast it was like watching a tennis match on speed-- that just kept me laughing. When you put those four women together the things they come up with never cease to amaze me-- they should write for SNL-- they are that funny. And twisted.  They see things clearly and always have my back. 

I suppose trials in your own life really define who your true friends are. To say I was surprised -- and frankly heartbroken-- at the ones who chose to leave my life would be lying. I trusted them with information and when it was no longer an "easy road", they moved on to bigger, better and brighter pastures.

That sort of hurt. A lot. 

However. What it did do was create better friendships. And it taught me that not everyone cares. Most are just curious.

*****
The other night Moxie looked at Jefe and I and said: "I really want a TV in my room." I sort of mumbled under my breath, not intending for her to hear, Dream On.

She did hear, and took that statement quite literally.

"OK. I also want a baff-tub and a fridge to put all my own sodas in."

She's a dreamer that kid.

And, I like it. A lot.

*****
Have a swell weekend peeps. It's mighty warm around these parts and I likes it. Mucho.

1. The Winner Is - Devotchka
2. Windows Are Rolled Down (Live) - Amos Lee
3. Hannah  - Ray LaMontagne
4. Iris - The Goo-Goo Dolls
5. Christmas Song (Live) - Dave Matthews Band
6. Flightless Bird, American Mouth - Iron & Wine
7. Rest - The Temper Trap
8. The Grid - Crystal Method
9. I'm An Animal - Neko Case
10. Medicine - Grace Potter & the Nocturnals

 Bonus: Fade Into You - Mazzy Star

Click here to go sign the petition being sponsored by Google to tell congress to stop Internet Censorship.

If you want to read more about SOPA or PIPA head on over to Mashable and check out their detailed post.

Jefe and I discovered Portlandia during the holidays. It is seriously one of the weirdest yet funniest shows we have ever watched and we can't seem to get enough of it! It's full of the best one-liners since the old days on SNL. Which makes perfect sense, seeing how it's produced by Lorne Michaels and has tons of SNL actors in the skits. It's just high quality SNL -- making fun of quirky things in society.

Take for instance this skit on ordering at a restaurant. The waiter is hell-bent on telling them every single thing they can find on the menu, which we found hysterical. The facial expressions of Fred's character makes me snort every time I watch this. Which is a lot.

I think what makes this show so freaking funny is the fact that its a parody on life. Every where we go now Jefe and I find ourselves looking at each other and then busting a gut because hello! Was that a Portlandia moment?

Take, for example, my experience at the Apple Store recently. It was a culinary fest of satire.

People. All  I wanted was to buy a cover for my iPad.

That's all.

Just a simple little cover.

The Apple employee had something totally different in mind. He sat me down at the little desk and proceeded to parade in front of me all the covers available to man-kind.

"Now here we have a darling green one that has this cute little dangly-thinger. I think of all the covers we have this one says TECH GIRL the most."

Yes he did.

He totally said that.

My eyes started glazing over and I looked to Jefe for help and saw that he was mouthing "Crazy Craigs Guac Tacs" at me, which made me start to laugh.

The parade continued.

He was pulling more and more covers out, faster and faster and my head was starting to spin from the whirlwind of iPad covers flashing in front of my eyes. It was like an iPad Rave happening in front of my face. I could hardly focus my eyes.

Really. I just wanted a simple iPad cover, not the millennium falcon version of iPad covers. Is that too much to ask? Just a cover. Get in. Get out. Get on with your life. An iPad cover. Nothing more.

Finally I told him that I really liked the one my girlfriend Veronica bought so I would go call her and come back later and get the one she bought. I told him that I knew she had done all the research and I was  content with being a complete copy-cat and not screaming "Tech Girl" every time I took my iPad out.

He promptly asked me her full name, did some typing on the computer and said "Aha! I know exactly which one she bought!" And I had my magic iPad cover that was just like Veronica's.

After enduring 20 minutes of the epic iPad cover parade.

And Jefe laughing because Hello.  

That was a Portlandia moment.

“To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, Hey, can you give me a hand? You can say, Sorry, got these sacks. - Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy (Saturday Night Live)”

This week has been a crazy whirl-wind adventure. From the kids puking to me puking to me being possessed, yet again, by James Earl Jones. I always thought it would be awesome to have him narrate my life, but now that he's taken up residence once again inside my lungs, I'm thinking that really he's just a needy little bugger.

The only thing I hate more than me puking is other people puking. See I'm a sympathy puker. I hear someone puke and immediately I'm joining the puke fest. So imagine the fun that's been my house this past week.

The kids puke. I puke. The kids puke. I puke.The kids puke. I puke.

Round and round we go, like a merry-go-round.

Which, btw makes me puke.

*****
I'm working on a post about my favorite apps from 2011. This year I increased my photography apps by two folders-- making it 4 folders that I have of apps that I can edit photos, make collages and even turn the photos into comic strips. I love photography and I love my iPhone-- so mixing the two together is nirvana for me.

*****

I am digging this song big time. It's an arrangement of Coldplay's Paradise. I have had it on continuous loop for the past couple of days. I love hearing artists remake popular songs... just hearing them take a popular tune and then remaking it into something totally new is fascinating to me.

*****
I'm doing the 365 on Instagram again this year and I'm having a blast! I love documenting my life one photo at a time. I went through a phase where I was driving over a bridge every day at the same time, so I took a picture at the top of the bridge every day-- at sunset. It's such a fun way to document your life and goes beyond the basic scrapbook stuff. Which, btw, I have outgrown.

I used to love to scrapbook and would get together with my friends in Illinois on a weekly basis to scrapbook... but once I found blogging I decided this was more my cup of tea. And then all the various other platforms of capturing your stories and photos have captured my interest.

Here is the past weeks photos:



*****
Jefe and I have a rule that when we go out to eat together we have to eat at a new restaurant. Which is super fun, but can be a pain too. Especially when you have a favorite restaurant that you like... But broadens your horizons and creates super fun memories.

Yelp is our new best friend. Wherever we are we can pull up Yelp and get suggestions on places to eat and what's good at each place. I have to say that Yelp is one of my favorite Apps-- I just wish it would list where there was free WIFI and would let you post your review straight from your phone and not have to log in via an actual computer.

This past week we tried two new restaurants Sonora Grill and Pats BBQ.

I am a Mexican Food junkie and Sonora Grill was fantastic. I absolutely LOVED the coconut rice-- I would eat there again just to have a giant heaping portion of that rice. So. Dang. Good.

Their chips were awesome! They are hand made tortillas that you can break up yourself. The tortilla lady makes over one thousand tortillas a day. We had two baskets of tortillas while tasting all the different types of salsa they offered. It was a great environment and the booths were different and cozy.

Pats BBQ was totally different than what we had expected. It was a total hole-in-the-wall and down a dark, scary alley. Which is the perfect combo for making a great eating experience.

I'm dying to go back when its warmer and eat on the patio. They have blues bands on a regular basis and it has a super cozy feeling. We had a blast listening to the band playing and trying all the flavors of BBQ Sauce. I think I would get a bigger helping of the Jambalaya next time I go. It was to die for good!

The other fun part was Pats was featured on Diners Drive-ins and Dives. They have a wall of photos and I was ogling over Guy when the owner came over and asked if I wanted my picture taken next to it.

Need not ask me twice to get my picture taken. We chatted the owner up for a while and decided we needed to come back when a different band is playing. And when it's warmer outside.

*****
Friday the 13th.

Are you superstitious?

Me? Not so much.

{as she throws salt over her shoulder.}

*****
That's it peeps. Have a good weekend. I see lots of sleep in my future so I can get rid of this dirty little squatter that has taken up residence in my lungs. Here's hoping he moves out faster this time around versus last time. Last time I ended up with pneumonia and a sinus infection.

Take it easy and keep your nose clean.

1. Love Gone Crazy - John Nemeth
2. Tripping Billies - Dave Matthews Band
3. Beat It (2008 Remix) - Michael Jackson & Fergie
4. Amsterdam - Coldplay
5. Beautifully - Jay Brannan
6. Don't Know Why - Norah Jones
7. One - U2
8. Born Free- Kid Rock
9. Ghosts N Stuff - Deadmau 5
10. Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap

Bonus: All For You - Janet Jackson

I was in a focus group that helped refine this idea and I am absolutely thrilled with the final outcome.

When I read this book the first time, I sat down on my couch and literally did not move until I finished it. It was griping and absolutely fantastic. It is one of those books that you think about for days afterwards. Only me? I couldn't stop thinking about it for weeks after I finished it.

Collins did such a fantastic job building up the horror of the games. She gives you just enough information in the book and then lets your imagination fill in the gaps. She understands that your imagination can create something much more disturbing than what she can with words. She does it brilliantly. She handles this tough subject perfectly, and again, lets the readers imagination run amuck.

I find the book to be a fascinating comparison with today's society that is frankly shocking. I freaking loved this book and this series is one of my all time favorites -- coming in a very close second to Harry Potter. Although the last book in the series left me feeling highly unsatisfied.

I am so excited to see this movie... especially after seeing the trailer and then hearing one of the songs from the movie.

Taylor Swift has done an amazing job with this song-- Safe & Sound. Its haunting and depicts the horror of the games, and yet the innocence of the children perfectly!

The internet is all a-buzz with who they think the song is written for... Some say its Katniss singing to Primrose as she sacrifices herself as the Tribute; Others say its regarding Peeta & Katniss' realtionship during the games. My thoughts as I heard it the first time was that this song was for Katniss & Rue. It just fits. Those two girls had a beautiful friendship and the song is haunting...

I speculate that this song will be played when Katniss is holding Rue as she dies.What do you think?

“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared” - Jack Handy 


I hate scary movies. Like really hate them.

My family loves them.

How did I end up with a bunch of weirdos that like to get scared? ON PURPOSE?

I guess I'm just a giant scaredy-pant-boo-wah-baby because even Moxie can sit through this stuff and not get completely wigged out. Me? Not so much. And to be totally honest, it's not like we're over here watching Horror Flicks or anything. We're talking Goosebumps people.GOOSEBUMPS.

Yes. I totally get scared from Goosebumps.

Don't judge.

*****

Would it be completely sacrilegious if I told that I am freaking glad that Christmas Vacation ends this weekend and the kids are heading back to school on Monday?

Because I totally am.

I find myself being plagued by the boogity-boogity when I admit that little nugget, too. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids like crazy. "They are my world." They are also hell-bent on killing me. I am slowly drowning in a sea of their crap that is strung from one end of the house to other. Once they head back to school the house can stay clutter free for six hours a day while they are off enlightening their minds with french and algebra.

Truthfully, I have a hard time relating to women whose entire existence is to simply take care of their children. When I hear them talking about how much they love having all their kids at home with them (making messes) it does not compute. When they talk about how excited they are for summer, I find myself wondering what is wrong with me... because that thought brings on panic attacks. I just don't get it.

I don't, by any means, begrudge their lifestyle choice either. I just don't get it. I need that extra stimulation and frankly a reason to get up in the mornings. My kids home all day does not offer me the necessary umph to drag my sorry rear out of bed every morning. Getting them off to school? Me going to work? Yes. Those are the types of things that force me to get up in the morning. Everyone hanging out, making messes? Not so much.

Neither choice is more right than other they are just different ways of doing things.

*****

Portlandia.

Watch it.

You'll thank me later.

"you can put a bird on it and call it art!"

{ Snort.}

*****

Jefe and I have a little game that we like to play and it always starts the same way - with me sending him a text asking "when you coming home cause I don't know when", his response is always the same "I don't know when, but we'll get together then yeah. You know we'll have a good time then."

We then spend the next however long shooting obscure song lyrics back and forth at each other-- and the one that receives the text has to send back another line from the song. The more obscure the lyrics are the better.

The most recent ones we threw around?

Jefe: two trailer park girls go round the outside

Me: testing "attention please" feel the tension soon as someone mentions me."

{ name that song. ready. set. go.}

It's crazy fun.

I'm not really sure how it all morphed into what it has, but me likey. A lot.

*****
It's going to be a mellow New Years around these parts and I'm glad. We're gonna hunker down, watch stupid movies-- or maybe a Mt Everest Marathon-- eat bacon wrapped water chestnuts and ring in the new year as a family.

Should be loads of fun.

Unless the teenagers decide they need to do their own partying... then not so much.

1. Trip Through Your Wires - U2
2. Jails & Bombs - Amos Lee
3. #41 - Dave Matthews Band
4. With Or Without You - U2 
5. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend
6. Just Like Heaven - The Watson Twins
7. No Such Thing - John Mayer
8. Spectrum - Florence & The Machines
9. Shake Down on Ninth Street - Ryan Adams
10. Baby Blue - Dave Matthews Band 

Bonus: Bad Things - Jace Everett, True Blood Soundtrack

I almost didn't make it through the holidays.

Seriously. I was like *thisclose* to dying one night. Not because someone tried to punch me (that was my manager they punched) but because I lost it and went all Postal on a customer.

I did. I totally flipped right out. Hard.

I bit her head off, chewed it up and spit it out for breakfast. I nearly went back for seconds when the crazy zombie left me and I saw a ray a sanity shining brightly in the distance.

Most people tell you to walk towards the light, but me? I ran for it, people. RAN.

On Christmas Adam (December 23rd) I was pulling my 6th consecutive night shift when a lovely group of carolers showed up to serenade us.


Awww. That's so nice, right?

Not really.

It was nice for about five minutes-- which is how long it took them to finish their repertoire of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, We Wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Baby Jesus.

(totally not kidding)

I would have been happy with the first run through... maybe even the third. But after an hour of their singing?

Not so much.

I was not feeling it.

Not one little bit.

I had visions of my high school choir teacher, Ms. J, dancing through my head waving her stubby little finger and pointing it heaven ward while screeching "You're flat. You Are Flat! SOMEONE IS FLAT!"

Then the key changes people. Oh My Word. THE KEY CHANGES.

They were not intended, but they happened. Every. Single. Measure.  they were in a different key. And the harmonizing to Happy Birthday Baby Jesus? It made my inner wolf howl.

It was horrid and I had to stand right next to them. ALL NIGHT LONG.

They had parked their tiny little rears in the vestibule making the songs echo throughout the store. Every time someone came into the store -- or left-- they would start at the beginning of their repetoir and sing at the top of their ever loving off-key lungs.

Over and over again. Round and round we went. Rudolph; Merry Christmas; Happy Birthday Baby Jesus.

Off Key. Different Keys. AT THE SAME TIME.

Holy Cow. I was dying a slow and painful death. My eye twitch was in full blown twitch overload mode and no matter what I did I could not stop it from twitching. And there was nowhere I could go in the store to hide.

I actually offered to empty garbage and organize the dock just to get away from the noise.

I felt myself slipping into a sea of madness when some woman came through my line (which was 30 minutes long) and said "How fun! You get to listen to carolers!"

It was right then and there that I completely snapped.

"If they don't stop singing right this very second I'm going to go punch them all in the face because HOL. EEE. COW! THEY FREAKING SUCK!"

She just looked at me like I had completely lost my mind.

And lets be honest: I did.

I mean who freaks out about carolers? Uhh. Me. That's who. 

I scared her, too.

Apparently A lot.

She left my line, went to the vestibule and whispered to the girls serenading us. They looked at me all horrified like, picked up their stuff and promptly left.

I felt guilty for about half a second until I heard the most beautiful sound ever: Silence.

Finally.

Peace and Quiet.

And that's where it happened. In the middle of the silence: My heart grew and I could feel myself starting to be all festive like. I knew it was true when I softly started to hum.


Happy Holidays, Peeps. We made it.