Zoe

I have always referred to my dog as the Crazy Boxer Dog on my blog. I've never put her name out there for the universe and I don't really know why, either. She is an old dog. I even refer to her as "my old dog", yet she usually acts more like a puppy than the old dog she is. 

Until today, that is.

I had to carry her down three flights of stairs this morning to get her outside. She couldn't go down the stairs. At All.

She has had 4 tumors removed over the last several years and now has more growing all over her body. She aches, you can tell. 

It's getting time people and I don't think I can do this.

I don't know what my adult life will be like without this dog in it. She has been my shadow... much like a toddler. Everywhere I go, there she is. She is my companion, and trusted friend. I love her like I love a child. Over the years, she has filled multiple voids in my life. She lets me baby and coddle her... As any good dog would.  

Sometimes it seems like my dog is the only one who is excited to see me when I walk through the door. Even if its just to take the garbage out. She always greets me with a "kidney-bean-wiggle."

My children don't know what life will be like without this dog... they've never experienced it.

It's interesting to me how attached a person can become to their animals. They become actual living, breathing members of the family, and when they die it feels like losing a functioning member of your family.

I am not ready to say good-bye to this old dog.  I don't think I have the strength or courage to do so.

Which makes me then reflect on losing a parent or sibling. Or child.

How does one cope?

Seriously. How?

My heart is literally breaking over my dog so I can't even begin to imagine the pain of the latter three.

Where does one find that courage and strength to pull themselves up by the bootstraps and move on after losing a person they love?

I don't know, but I think I need to dig deep and find it.