Would you vote for me?
Monday, April 28, 2008
Anyone who has known me for any amount of time knows what a giant chicken I am. I know. I exude confidence (not!). But, the truth of the matter is, I am afraid. Putting myself out there is, to me, one of the most terrifying thoughts.
When I was a Sophomore in high school, I got "chosen" to be the girl to give a speech in front of the entire student body for our Welcome Back assembly. I was in the Pep Squad, and we had to do a skit... i got to be the "lucky winner" who was the one to represent the squad. Why? I still don't know. I wasn't popular by any means... but there I was, with 1 other girl, in front of the whole school. I couldn't sleep the night before the big assembly. I was terrified. I did the little dealy, but my cousin later told me that I looked like a sour puss. (umm.. thanks?)
From that point on, I practice what I have to say. I have little convo's in my head... my family totally mocks me, cause I even use facial expressions. (jefe will ask me, who you talking to motherboard? i think i'm being all stealth... but i'm not. I totally still do it!) I don't ever want to be known as a sour puss.
Seriously.
My Senior year in high school, I got the lead in the play. I was ecstatic! I worked really hard... the whole time pushing out of my mind the fact that everyone and their DOG would be looking at me, watching me, listening to me. The big night came, and I got so freaked out at one point, that mid song the lyrics just left my brain. I could not for the life of me remember what I was supposed to be singing. For a teenager that is a death sentence! For a performer, a career breaker!! (remember David Archuletta's big mess up? AND Brooke Whites on AI?? Yeah. You see what mean?!) Now, I totally over prepare. I make sure there is no need for any help from anything. Whether that be a lesson I have to teach or a song I have to sing... I prepare and prepare and prepare. I never want to feel those same feelings again.
As an adult, putting myself out there to make friends is about more than I can handle at times. I read on someone else's blog, how they wanted to hang a comment sheet around their neck. Then, after meeting someone they could leave a comment "yes. i will be your friend. you're totally funny." or "No. I'll pass. Your breath stinks." That would be so much easier for me. I can deal with comments... I actually like comments. If you don't like me, thats ok... as long as you tell me in the comments. But, this whole muddling through, sniffing each other out deal is difficult, and at times heart breaking. That's why I was so sad to leave Illinois. It took me several years to figure myself out... to finally become comfortable in my own skin. I actually feel like Illinois is more my home than the place that I was raised.... Because Illinois is where I truly found myself, and became ME.
Make sense? I had/have amazing friends back there, that I had actually made all on my own. They liked me for me... not by "default". I had worked to make them, and keep them. To start that whole process over?
Gag.
I am afraid... afraid of failing... afraid. I pretend I don't care. But, really I do. There it is for the whole world to read. Don't judge me. Please. ( but if you have to, just do it in the comments!)
Fast forward to this morning.
I spent the better part of an hour at the Junior High School... hanging campaign posters for Thing 1. She is running for class officer, and is so excited about that! When I was her age, the thoughts of doing that sent me into a cold sweat... putting myself out there like that... to be judged. Am I liked enough to be your leader? (cause, lets be honest, Junior High School elections are totally only about popularity!) I helped on lots of campaigns, but to actually do anything for me? No way.
I was torn this morning. I am SO proud of her for not being afraid to put herself out there... to just TRY. But, I felt those familiar feelings of panic. Walking those same halls, putting up her posters, I had to hold back the tears. The 12 year old in me was screaming: "What if they don't like her? What if she fails? What if this breaks her heart? What if... what if... what if..." There are a million what if's!
Would it be totally unethical to go and take down all her competitors posters? I know. It would, and I wont. But, I totally want to. I want her to succeed. I want her to win. I also know that this part of being a parent... the letting them fly all on their own part... this is the part of parenting that totally just sucks.
So. Thing 1 is putting herself out there... and she's not afraid.
She's doing it. And I'm proud of her!
I hope the 12 year old in me can not be afraid either.
When I was a Sophomore in high school, I got "chosen" to be the girl to give a speech in front of the entire student body for our Welcome Back assembly. I was in the Pep Squad, and we had to do a skit... i got to be the "lucky winner" who was the one to represent the squad. Why? I still don't know. I wasn't popular by any means... but there I was, with 1 other girl, in front of the whole school. I couldn't sleep the night before the big assembly. I was terrified. I did the little dealy, but my cousin later told me that I looked like a sour puss. (umm.. thanks?)
From that point on, I practice what I have to say. I have little convo's in my head... my family totally mocks me, cause I even use facial expressions. (jefe will ask me, who you talking to motherboard? i think i'm being all stealth... but i'm not. I totally still do it!) I don't ever want to be known as a sour puss.
Seriously.
My Senior year in high school, I got the lead in the play. I was ecstatic! I worked really hard... the whole time pushing out of my mind the fact that everyone and their DOG would be looking at me, watching me, listening to me. The big night came, and I got so freaked out at one point, that mid song the lyrics just left my brain. I could not for the life of me remember what I was supposed to be singing. For a teenager that is a death sentence! For a performer, a career breaker!! (remember David Archuletta's big mess up? AND Brooke Whites on AI?? Yeah. You see what mean?!) Now, I totally over prepare. I make sure there is no need for any help from anything. Whether that be a lesson I have to teach or a song I have to sing... I prepare and prepare and prepare. I never want to feel those same feelings again.
As an adult, putting myself out there to make friends is about more than I can handle at times. I read on someone else's blog, how they wanted to hang a comment sheet around their neck. Then, after meeting someone they could leave a comment "yes. i will be your friend. you're totally funny." or "No. I'll pass. Your breath stinks." That would be so much easier for me. I can deal with comments... I actually like comments. If you don't like me, thats ok... as long as you tell me in the comments. But, this whole muddling through, sniffing each other out deal is difficult, and at times heart breaking. That's why I was so sad to leave Illinois. It took me several years to figure myself out... to finally become comfortable in my own skin. I actually feel like Illinois is more my home than the place that I was raised.... Because Illinois is where I truly found myself, and became ME.
Make sense? I had/have amazing friends back there, that I had actually made all on my own. They liked me for me... not by "default". I had worked to make them, and keep them. To start that whole process over?
Gag.
I am afraid... afraid of failing... afraid. I pretend I don't care. But, really I do. There it is for the whole world to read. Don't judge me. Please. ( but if you have to, just do it in the comments!)
Fast forward to this morning.
I spent the better part of an hour at the Junior High School... hanging campaign posters for Thing 1. She is running for class officer, and is so excited about that! When I was her age, the thoughts of doing that sent me into a cold sweat... putting myself out there like that... to be judged. Am I liked enough to be your leader? (cause, lets be honest, Junior High School elections are totally only about popularity!) I helped on lots of campaigns, but to actually do anything for me? No way.
I was torn this morning. I am SO proud of her for not being afraid to put herself out there... to just TRY. But, I felt those familiar feelings of panic. Walking those same halls, putting up her posters, I had to hold back the tears. The 12 year old in me was screaming: "What if they don't like her? What if she fails? What if this breaks her heart? What if... what if... what if..." There are a million what if's!
Would it be totally unethical to go and take down all her competitors posters? I know. It would, and I wont. But, I totally want to. I want her to succeed. I want her to win. I also know that this part of being a parent... the letting them fly all on their own part... this is the part of parenting that totally just sucks.
So. Thing 1 is putting herself out there... and she's not afraid.
She's doing it. And I'm proud of her!
I hope the 12 year old in me can not be afraid either.
