Plants, Chickens and Dogs. Oh My.

My cousin asked me to tend her flowers, dog and chickens this week.

Yes. Chickens.

I love my cousin and we are very close, so this is a little daunting to me. (Hi cuz!) I wanted to remind her of my very bad track record of taking care of animals... but she was in a bind, had nowhere else to turn and was leaving in 10 minutes. Going into a long diatribe about the woes of me and pet watching just wasn't happening. I wrote about it once, a while back, but I think she must have forgotten.

So, I will re-post it, as a gentle reminder as to why having me watch your critters is a very, very bad idea.

(Cuz: your dog has been played with today, and the chickens are still alive and being held. Much to their horror. xoxo)





1. You think your dog it potty trained, and think it should stay inside the whole time you are gone on your week long trip. You ask us to go over and let it out 3 times a day. We do, but your dog is NOT potty trained. At all. It poops everywhere. (especially under your bed) we cleaned up the poop and cleaned the carpets before you got home. It was really gross.

2. Asking me to check on your dog every 2 hours (because it doesn't like to be alone) is ridiculous. We told you that we did. But, we didn't. We did however put in the Shania Twain CD every night for it to listen to while it slept. (wuh?)

3. Your dog that is an outside dog? Well. It wasn't while you were gone. It was hot, and ran inside when I left the back door open while I changed the water. I couldn't get it to go back outside. So, it stayed inside. Pretty much the whole time you were gone.

4. Your dog is a total escape artist. I put it outside, and left it like you told me to. But it wouldn't come when I called it back (only like 1 hour later). I looked and looked and looked... and then found a hole in your fence. Your dog ran away. I looked all over town for it for 2 days. Then, remember that I called you on vacation to tell you your dog ran away? Yeah. That was sad. You cried. A lot.

Then a farmer left a note on your door-- but I saw it-- and I ran and saved your dumb, escape artist dog before you got home.

5. This same escape artist dog ate your blinds. I don't know how it did, since its just a little, tiny brown thing... but it did. It ate your blinds.

6. Oh. And it growls at me every time I try to lock it in its cage. I tried hard the first night to get it in its cage-- even going so far as to lay on top of the table pushed next to the cage so it wouldn't bite me. Then I gave up and let it sleep on your bed.

7. Remember how you were complaining about not being able to find mates to your kids socks? Well. It's cause when you were gone, your dog was playing with them. He buried some in the backyard I tried to get them away from him, but he thought we were playing a game. And, your neighbors were laughing at me chasing your dumb dog all over the back yard...

8. Your dog has major issues. I gave it the dog valium like you said to when it rained... only I didn't know it was raining, so I guess I gave it too him to late. The thunder was too far away for my human ears to hear. But, not for your crazy dog. Nope. He jumped up into my bed, and burrowed his way to the bottom of the bed and then licked my toes. It was gross, and I kicked him. Sorry about that!

9. Then, because it got in our bed, and was freaking out. I took it back to your house... but it was acting really weird. I was worried maybe I had over dosed your dog. So I slept on your couch watching your dumb dog try and climb the walls. I really didn't sleep. And, your dog is weird.

10. I forget I am watching your dog, but remember in the middle of the night. So I get dressed and run over there to feed your dog and water the dog (thank heavens you left him outside this time)... Just in time for you to come home in the afternoon. He was only forgotten for 2 days... and there was still food and water. So no big deal, right??

11. Your dog pukes. A lot. And, I had to clean it up. It was gross.

12. Umm. Your dog? Yeah. It knows how to get out of its kennel. I don't know how it does it, but he does. Every! Freaking! Time! I come in the house... he is there to greet me. How? Do you have a Houdini dog??