Hindsight is always 20/20.

Isn't that how that old saying goes?

And, it is.

This past year has been one of the hardest and yet most rewarding years I have ever had. And yet in hindsight, I can see more clearly the things that I did right, and the ones where I failed miserably.

The hardest part of hindsight is realizing with perfectly clarity what role you played in everything; especially when you are finally able to see with those new, open eyes.

I can see those roles very clearly now.

Professionally -- if you can call what I do a profession-- I had copious amounts of success.

My blog(s) grew by leaps and bounds. They were featured in three different newspapers and on KSL Radio.  I was interviewed by The Mormon Channel for a podcast (that still hasn't aired) and worked on several focus groups with my church.  I hosted a crazy successful blogging conference where people from all over the country came.

Completely 100% rewarding and successful with regards to my chosen hobby.

Personally? My life was sort of falling apart at the seams.  I was trying my best to keep from drowning.  Most of the time it felt like only one nostril was out of the water. Some days I wondered if I had a straw in that nostril so I could breathe because I felt like I was drowning.

My marriage went through some pretty serious obstacles and I really wondered if we would make it. I think Jefe did, too.  It was rocky, rough and just plain miserable.

More often than not, I would send the kids off to school and then I would curl up into a ball in my room and cry the ugliest cry I could muster. The Ugly Cry is a cleansing cry and sometimes it just makes you feel better. Then, I would pull up my boot straps and get to work.

I felt so torn and conflicted because my hobby was taking off and I was finally making money doing what I completely loved. And yet my home life was in a shambles. I think I worked so hard at my blog and the conference so that I could just forget about what was happening at home.Or not happening.

At least that's what my therapist told me.

I kind of quit going to church there for a while, too. 

It was just too painful for me to go and hear all these people shouting praises for their families, their spouses and their miraculously conflict free, peaceful, kumbaya  lives. I didn't feel like I had that "happily ever after" that was promised me if I would just get married in the temple.

In hindsight it's not because it wasn't there-- it was because I couldn't see it. I was so busy looking for everything I didn't have that I neglected to see what I did have. 

There is, however, a silver lining to this completely depressing post:

We made it.

We're still here; we're still together and we're not going anywhere.

Unless it's to Disneyland as a family.

Looking back over this last year I can see how I grew because of the trials Jefe and I were having.

I can see how I have changed, for the better, because of those trials and I can see perfectly where I was wrong. I'm not foolish enough-- anymore-- to think that our problems were all his problems.  I can see that there is my side, there is his side and the truth lies somewhere in between.

I can see that the way my "professional" life exploded was a Tender Mercy from the Lord because it not only helped me get out of bed every single day, but it gave me the confidence in myself that I had been lacking.  I did not believe I was capable of accomplishing anything-- let alone what actually did occur. 

I now know that not only can I do it, but I can do it well.

The experiences from this past year have taught me that I can do hard things. No matter what they are-- I have it in me to do hard things.

That is another Tender Mercy. 

In hindsight I know with certainty the things I would do differently from these past couple of years; the people I would not trust and what things I would refrain from saying.  I also know that there are things I can look at and say "I'm glad I did that. I don't regret it one single bit."

And that, I guess, is what hindsight is all about.

Seeing. Changing. Growing.

 The Usborne Book of Face Painting (How to Make)
 Coastal Scents 88 Color Makeup Palette

Thing 1 has missed the bus every single day for the last week.

That is completely unnerving, seeing how it picks her up at our front door.

When she misses the bus, it throws the rest of the house into chaos and everyone else misses the bus, too.

I was at my wits end last Friday when I saw that piece on CBS News about Technology Grounding. I felt pretty good because I was already doing a lot of  it (hello mr. f zone).

I was having a hard time coming up with a consequence for missing the bus. I mean how the heck do you punish someone who can't make it to the bus? I really was having a difficult time with this one.

I tried having her "buy" a ride but that only lasted as long as her money lasted. Which wasn't very long.

I tried having her do an extra chore BEFORE I took her to school but that was a horrid, horrid mess.

Nothing I could think of was motivating her to make that big, yellow taxi.

Then it hit me.

Her cell phone.

She has that thing glued to her hand.  She is never without it. When it wasn't working recently, she actually cried because "how am I supposed to eat lunch with my friends if I don't have my cell phone?!"

Ding Ding Ding!  We have a winner! 

The new rule in Crazyland: Every day that she misses the bus, she has to go to school without her cell phone.

It's a huge inconvenience for me to have to drop everything and take her to school and as such, she can be inconvenienced too.

She hasn't missed the bus once since we instated this new rule.

I freaking LOVE Technology grounding.

Thing 2 and Thing 3 are faking sick today.

Granted they woke up with stuffy noses that were so bad it made MY head pound and I had no more allergy medicine in the house. Which clearly meant they were going to die.

I knew that once they got their allergy meds in them they would feel more than fine, but I didn't feel like listening to them moan and groan all morning so I made them sign a contract.  My thinking was that it would scare them into going to school.  Threats of no friends after school and a days worth of hard cleaning can do that.

It didn't work.

I had them write on a piece of paper "I know that if I stay home from school I will not be able to play with my friends after school.  If I pitch a fit after school when my friends all come over to see if I can play, then I have to stay in my room the rest of the night. If I don't do the chores Mom asks me to do, or I whine and complain then I'm in my room for the rest of the day."

Then they signed their names, dated it and it's hanging up on our fridge.

My house is now clean and the laundry is folded and put away. And, it's barely 1pm.

I had to come up with more stuff for them to do so that staying home isn't fun. Or desirable.  

So I pulled out the big guns: The Play Room that looks worse than Hiroshima.

 Having "sick" kids totally rocks.

On the Internet, nobody knows you are a dog.   Peter Steiner cartoon in the New Yorker July 5, 1993

I watched a segment on the CBS Morning News the other day, and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It made perfect sense and I actually found myself nodding my head in agreement. Then I gave myself a hearty pat on the back because we are already doing a lot of what they talked about in the article. 

It is a rare thing for me these days to agree with the news. Typically I find myself muttering unmentionables at the TV people because I wonder what planet they are living on.  It sure as heck isn't the planet I'm on.  

Then I wonder which of us living in La-La land. 

Is it me or them?
*****
Having kids is the best way to hear what you sound like when you talk.  We have entered the Parrot stage of Moxie's development and believe you me, it's horrifying.  Particularly when you see your toddler drop her toys and she mutters "Oh Sh!t!" 

Yeah. That was one of my finer parenting moments right there. 

 Lets just hope she doesn't do that in Nursery at Church on Sunday's.

*****
I find myself wondering if I am emotionally abusive to my kids. 

Not because I emotionally abuse them but because I am just brutally honest with them.

Thing 1 is incredibly smart. In fact in first grade the school system wanted to move her up a grade because she was so bored in her classes. I actually considered it because I knew academically she could handle it, however emotionally? Not so much. 

However lately it seems that this smart child of mine has lost some of her brain power and her common sense has flown south. For like the last year.

I seriously wonder what in the crap has happened to that smart kid. She has no common sense. None.  She should be riding the short bus with regards to common sense. And, I told her that. 

Is that abusive? 
*****
We have a rule at our house called The F Zone Rule. 

{dun dun dun}

I sort of hate being the Warden of The F Zone. 

The F Zone is where anything below a B- is considered to be "in the zone" and you lose privileges.  

No Internet. No TV. No Video Games. No Friends. 

I know, right? I heard you gasp!

A B- seems drastic but it's really not.  That is basic, minimal effort for Thing 1. It used to be a lot lower, and she would just coast along so we had to raise the bar for her.  We have clearly stated our expectations, going so far as to write them on a poster board and put them up in the kitchen. 

We have been doing this going on four years now, and she finally doesn't argue. She checks her grades and if she's in The Zone all I hear is a heavy sigh and she buckles down and does her work.

If she is extra cooperative or nice to her siblings, then I reward her with Facebook time during her "jail time." I change the email and password associated with the account during the punishment so there is no way for her to "sneak". Which she would, if she could. 

It is a great motivator, that Facebook account. 

I had a Mom recently tell me that I was too strict and then in the same sentence say that she just didn't know what she was going to do with her daughter-- she was pulling straight D's and F's. 

I asked her what her daughter does with her time and she replied "She just spends it all   with her friends and on Facebook." 

I just looked at her, smiled and said "Hence The F Zone Rule". 

I really believe that Facebook is a privilege.  

Hanging out with friends is a privilege. 

Everything except for food, shelter and education is a privilege. 

Is it strict? 

Yes. 

Is it teaching her to reach a little higher and to put forth a little more effort? 

Yes. 

Is it teaching my daughter to balance her life? 

I sure hope so.  

I want her to understand that you have to work first and then you can play. It's important to learn the proper order of things so that she can be a happy, healthy, well adjusted adult. 

We will adjust the levels of The F Zone for each child based on what we know they are capable of and so far there has been no need to implement The Zone with the other children. 

So, I guess I will have to continue being the Warden of The F Zone.

*****
Yesterday Moxie was playing in the kitchen while I was cooking and I heard her talking on her cell phone.  

"Hu-woah? Who dis?" 

{silence}

"Oh Hi, Jesus. Can you get over here? I wanna pay wiff you."

"Oh. Uh-huh. OK. See you later."

I wonder if He did come over to play. 

Deep Thoughts. 

*****
I'm not much of a TV watcher as of late.  I used to be a TV junkie but over the last 6-7 years I've really toned down my TV.  

There are very few shows that I've watched from beginning to end: ER, West Wing and Lost are the most recent ones. 

I have no idea what shows are coming up; However, I did see an advertisement for a couple that piqued my interest.  The first one was on Pandora for the new show My Generation.  They've come up with playlists for each of the characters and that really grabbed my attention.  Clever marketing! 

The next is Undercovers. It's created by J.J. Abrams. Need I say more? 

What shows are you going to watch? 

*****
Have an awesome weekend.  I'm headed out of town for a nice weekend get-away with Jefe.  We're going to lounge in the mountains, look at the leaves, read our books and veg.  

It's a much needed vacation for just the two of us, and frankly, I can't wait. 

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

1.  Just Like Heaven - The Watson Twins
2.  Ryan's Song - Venice is Sinking
3.  Something to Say - Kim Richey
4.  Farmers Daughter  - Ana Egge
5. Gold to Me - Ben Harper
6. Feels Like Home - Chantel Kreviazuk
7.  Hold On Hold On -Neko Case & Her Boyfriends
8.  Ease Back - Amos Lee
9. Sleeping To Dream (live) - Jason Mraz
10.Free Fallin' - John Mayer

Bonus: Smile - Uncle Kracker

I need some freakin' creativity.

Or some Writing MoJo.

Heck, I'd even take some second-hand-sub-par-post ideas.

I just can't seem to get back into the groove of writing every day.

I can't think of things to write about.

I considered writing about the fact that while I dearly love my children, they are driving me out of my ever loving mind.

But that's negative. And boring.

I could write about how I spend a couple hours every day cleaning my house only to have said crazy-inducing children come home and withing 5 minutes it looks like a tornado has torn through my house.

But that's discouraging.

I need something, I just don't know what.

If you see my MoJo around, will you tell it to scoot on home?

I sort of miss it.

"We are one nation under God and we may call that God different names, but we remain one nation. It is absolutely important now for the overwhelming majority of the American people to hang onto that thing that is best in us -- a belief in religious tolerance, a clarity about who our enemies are . . ."  -  President Obama

Beautifully stated.

The Faith that I belong to has what is called Articles of Faith and number eleven is especially poignant to me right now: "We claim the privilege of worshiping Almighty God according to the dictates of our own conscience, and allow all men the same privilege, let them worship how, where, or what they may." 


This nut-job Pastor in Florida is not "worshiping" but rather spewing hate.  He stated that "they do it, so why can't we?" and I felt myself starting to bang my head against the wall.  It's the same argument that I have with my CHILDREN. 


He talks in circles and makes me embarrassed for my country. 


Whether you agree with our President or not is not the issue. The issue is simply the fact that this country-- The United States of America-- was founded on religious freedoms.  The persecution that is being thrown at the Muslim community is sickening to me, and really is not that far off from what happens to LDS people.  Our church is consistently confused with the radical fundamentalists and further, accused of being "just like them." What the country is doing to our Muslim citizens is not that different.  They are being lumped together with the radicals and it's disheartening to me.

The thing that I found comfort in after the attacks on 9/11 was the way the entire country was unified. Unified. Honestly? I miss that. A lot.

I am weary of fighting, the rhetoric, the finger pointing and the tearing down of other people's beliefs.

And, that's all I have to say about that.

*****
I have been rather melancholy lately.

I suppose it's because the Kindergarten teacher at my children's school died on Tuesday night.

I knew this woman.

I taught Choir at this school, and so it was a rather shocking blow when I learned of her death.

My best friend, and side-kick in the choir, had breast cancer about four years ago.  Our teacher died from breast cancer.

breast cancer.

It doesn't even deserve to be capitalized.

I hate those two words. 

My best friend was a complete mess when she heard the news, and I completely understand. She has survivors guilt.  We (and I mean she-- I was just along for the ride) spent many hours chatting with this teacher about cancer and how they would fight it. Together.

She was an amazing teacher who gave her whole heart and soul to those children. Right up to the very last day and I feel rather glum about her passing.  While I understand The Plan, it is still difficult.

There are only really two things that I am terrified of: The first is dying. I understand The Plan, I firmly believe in life after death and I have a testimony of God and Christ. And yet, that doesn't give me comfort when I think about dying.

When my Grandmother was dying I remember my mother telling me that my Grandmother just cried and cried one night.  When my Mother asked her what was wrong, she said she was really scared.  She wished my Mother could go with her so she didn't have to do it alone. She was afraid of doing it alone. It being dying. "Can't you just come with me?" my Grandmother said to my Mother.

That conversation still makes me cry because that is how I feel.

I don't want to do it and I for sure don't want to do it alone... and yet I know that this is the one thing that I will have to do all by my lonesome. And, that terrifies me.

The other thing that terrifies me is Darth Vader.

*****
Have a great weekend folks! I get to go a Family Reunion and I can't wait. I absolutely LOVE hanging out with my husbands family. They are real, genuine people (no they don't read my blog) and I absolutely adore them.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

1. See The World - Gomez
2.  Soon We'll Be Found - Sia
3. Sweeter Than This - Katie Herzig
4.Will You, Won't You - Bombay Bicycle Club
5. Hold Me Tight - Missy Higgins
6.  When You Know - Shawn Colvin
7.  Come Pick Me Up -  Ryan Adams
8.  Can't Do A Thing - Chris Isaak
9.  Yellow  - Coldplay
10. Heartbreak Warfare - John Mayer

Bonus: Keep It Loose, Keep It Tight  - Amos Lee

Disclaimer: I'm going out on a limb here because there are a plethora of my neighbors who read my blog... which stresses me out to the MAX!  So neighbors: please view this as a simple observation and not a passive/aggressive attack.

I know of girl in our neighborhood who likes to bully people. And not just people, but adults. 

She's eight.

I know what you're thinking "why would an adult let an eight year old bully her?" And my answer to that is simple: Because you're so freakin' surprised that a CHILD could act like a nasty adult that it leaves you speechless as you watch her saunter off into the sunset.

This child told my friend to get out of her chair because she wanted to sit there.  When my friend-- who coincidentally is one of the nicest people on the planet-- kindly told her No, this nasty little girl proceeded to try and bully her into giving her what she wanted.

She would return every minute or so and tell my friend "You're fat! Get out of my chair!"

This child's mother was not more than 20 feet away from her.

You're speechless, aren't you?

Yeah. Me too.

This little girl also likes to ring my door bell and when I answer she likes to tell me all the reasons she will not play with my daughter. Then she will stick her tongue out at me, turn around, stick her bum out and then shake her bon-bon like Charo. 

I may have yelled at her the last time she pulled that little stunt that if she ever did that again she just might find my foot up her rear and then we would "shake our bon-bon's" down to have a chat with her Mom. Or not.

The thing is this: I'm not the sharpest pencil in the stack, but I know basic child behavior and kids parrot what they hear their parents say and do.  Now, I'm not implying that this child's mother likes to shake her bon-bon like Charo doing the Cuchi-Cuchi dance, but what I am saying is that maybe this child is parroting variations of what she has heard at home.

In the book Queen Bees and Wannabes the author states very clearly that when there is a mean girl typically there is a mean mother behind that girl.

Think about the mean girls you know.  What are their mothers like? Granted, some have the kindest mothers on the block, but that is rare.  Usually where there is a mean girl, there is a mean mother. Truthfully, I've never understood that.  Why would a grown woman go out of their way to make a mean phone call, or say mean things to people? I have never understood that.

Also, people misinterpret being direct and forthcoming as being mean, and I totally disagree with that.

I say what I think, never meaning to hurt another persons feelings. I am just direct. Which always gets me in trouble because people think I'm being mean. When in reality I just want you to know what I am thinking so that there is none of that stupid-weird-game-playing-drama.  I tell you what I think. If I apologize I mean it and that is that.

But, I digress . . .

The bottom line is that I find this child's behavior incredibly troubling because if she is this aggressive and nasty at eight, what will she be like when she is sixteen and in the same Youth Group as my sensitive, kind Thing 3?

This nasty little girl will eat her alive, that's what.

And then the ugly Mama Bear will have to come out to play and it won't be pretty.

So the question of the day is: Would it do any good at all to tell the parents of this child how she behaves?

Or would I be beating a dead horse?

(So to speak)

• 4- 5 lb roast (chuck works well-- I usually have to use two but I put them in the same crock pot)
• 1 can beer (alcoholic or non alcoholic works. If you use alcoholic-- use Coors-- it doesn't have a strong hop smell or taste.)
• 5 beef bouillon cubes
• 3t. Italian Seasoning
• 8 oz. jar pepperoncini
• ½ of the juice from the pepperoncini (I use the whole jar)
• Garlic salt (some is the best measurement I can give you)
• Onion salt (some is the best measurement I can give you)

 Directions

1. Put all of the above in a crock pot and cook on low for 12-14 hours. I typically put this together the night before and let it cook all night.  The longer you let it cook, the easier it is for the meat to fall apart and ALL of the alcohol will burn out. 
2. Serve on a roll of your choice with provolone cheese and mayo.
3. Enjoy-so easy and serves many. 
   
   "Great Sandwiches" 100 of Americas Favorite Sandwiches

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.   - Mary Wilson Little

Moxie is trying to help me understand WHY I should never have a shower by myself again.  Remember how she likes to put Carmex in her hair?  Well, she has graduated to full on lip stick now.

Entire tubes of Este Lauder Lipstick, to be more specific.

In her hair. On her shirts. On her hands and over her ENTIRE face.

She sort of looks like The Joker.

Good times.

If she weren't so freakin' cute I'd sell her up the river for a buck-two-eighty-five.

*****
 Another thing Moxie likes to do is take the Thing's  toothbrushes, dip them in the dogs water bowl and then lovingly brush the dog.

With their toothbrushes.  

It entertained her for over an hour the other day, and I fully planned on sterilizing them before they got home, but they came home before I could hide the evidence.  She was happily brushing the dog when they came home from school and they totally FREAKED OUT.

I don't get why they would freak out like that.

{insert evil laugh}

What they don't know is that she has been doing this for the last two weeks that they have been at school.  I have just been boiling them and then washing them in the dishwasher before they would get home from school.

It's our little secret, so Shhh. Don't tell!

*****
Oh.

And one more Moxie thing: She used and entire box of Princess Band aids on the Dog because "she likes the princesses, Mom."

Seriously. I must be old, because if my oldest child would have done half this stuff, I would have had a conniption fit... with Moxie? I just take pictures.

Lots and lots of pictures.

Why Yes, I am having buckets of fun with this kid! thankyouverymuch! 

*****
I finally found the very exact program that I have been looking for to learn the stuff that I wanted to learn how to do right here in my very own cute little town.  I am totally excited and I can work at my own pace. So if I want to blaze through the course, I could be set to go in eight months. Or I can take my time and have it be an extra curricular activity enhancing my life. Which is what I want.

I'm totally excited to see where this all will lead me. If nothing else I will finally be able to get all those creative ideas I have floating around in my brain onto paper.

*****
One of my guilty pleasures is listening to Prairie Home Companion, Saturday nights on NPR.  I just sit back and let the voices on the talking box work their magic and take me away.

I find it incredibly peaceful and it illicits "the feeling" for me. The one of feeling safe.

Oftentimes they have as guests on the show The Wailin' Jennys.  I forgot how much I loved every single piece of music of theirs until just recently.  I downloaded a bunch of their songs and sat working one night listening solely to their crooning.

Every single song makes me feel like I am taking a walk along a Prairie road. Or in the State Park by my old home.

Give them a listen and see if you don't fall madly in love too.

*****

Fall is the time of year when I miss the Midwest the very most.  It's the breath of fresh air from a long, humid summer.  Although I will be honest, I never minded the heat once we moved into our home.  We had a lovely pool where we would whittle away the summer hours playing.

But, there is nothing more beautiful than Fall in The Midwest.

The pumpkin patches; the apple barns; and the hayrides. I miss it.

We would visit Lake Geneva in the fall and I would fall in love with The Midwest all over again.  My father-in-law said I would when I first moved out there. He was right,  I did.

*****
I found a site that not only has most of the music that I do, but will also play the videos of the songs that come up random like on my player.  I spent a little extra time making an actual playlist of the Random 10 Friday Tunes so you could hear their awesomeness.

You're Welcome.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

1.  Prairie Town - The Wailin' Jennys 
2.  Can't Get It Right Today - Joe Purdy
3.  Use Somebody  - Laura Jansen
4.  As Much As You Lead - Lex Land
5.  Come Around - Rosi Golan
6.  The Littlest Birds - The Be Good Tanya's. 
7.  Winter Song - Sara Barielles/Ingrid Michaelson
8. Mrs. Robinson - Simon and Garfunkel
9. Sea Song - Lisa Hannigan
10. Neopolitan Dreams - Lisa Mitchell

Bonus: Heartbeats  -  Jose Gonzalez

I have always had a fascination with red doors.  I don't really know why other than I feel drawn to them.

I collect photos of red doors that I find on the internet.  Such a weird thing to collect, I know.  I had a favorite of mine on my blog for a while . . . just sitting there welcoming everyone who came to visit. 

Somewhere in the cobwebs of my brain, I remembered that a Red Door was a welcoming sign to those passing by, but was intrigued when I learned all the other meanings behind having a red door.

I painted the door to my house from the garage red this last spring. I absolutely LOVE it. It was such a boring color-- white-- and I hated the fact that I could see all the dirt and grime.  I felt like I had to bleach my door every other day. And, really? Who has time for that?

I came home from a Visiting Teaching Conference one Saturday, and decided right then and there that I wanted to paint the door red.  I went to Home Depot, bought a can of paint and proceeded to paint that door-- while I was still in my church clothes.

I'm amazed I didn't get paint on them.

The project took me less than two hours to finish-- including the multiple coats I put on.



I read all about the Feng Shui aspect of colors and decided I really need to pay attention to the Chi someone gets upon entering my home.

The Feng Shui aspect of painting your door Red is that in Feng Shui, the front door is considered the "Mouth of Chi" where all good energy enters a space.  Red is considered to be the most auspicious color in Feng Shui, so it's done to attract luck and good energy.

Now when I pull into my driveway and see that happy red door staring at me, and it brightens my day and makes me feel all sorts of lucky.

Besides, it's cool to see when you're driving down the street.