“Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared” - Jack Handy 


I hate scary movies. Like really hate them.

My family loves them.

How did I end up with a bunch of weirdos that like to get scared? ON PURPOSE?

I guess I'm just a giant scaredy-pant-boo-wah-baby because even Moxie can sit through this stuff and not get completely wigged out. Me? Not so much. And to be totally honest, it's not like we're over here watching Horror Flicks or anything. We're talking Goosebumps people.GOOSEBUMPS.

Yes. I totally get scared from Goosebumps.

Don't judge.

*****

Would it be completely sacrilegious if I told that I am freaking glad that Christmas Vacation ends this weekend and the kids are heading back to school on Monday?

Because I totally am.

I find myself being plagued by the boogity-boogity when I admit that little nugget, too. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids like crazy. "They are my world." They are also hell-bent on killing me. I am slowly drowning in a sea of their crap that is strung from one end of the house to other. Once they head back to school the house can stay clutter free for six hours a day while they are off enlightening their minds with french and algebra.

Truthfully, I have a hard time relating to women whose entire existence is to simply take care of their children. When I hear them talking about how much they love having all their kids at home with them (making messes) it does not compute. When they talk about how excited they are for summer, I find myself wondering what is wrong with me... because that thought brings on panic attacks. I just don't get it.

I don't, by any means, begrudge their lifestyle choice either. I just don't get it. I need that extra stimulation and frankly a reason to get up in the mornings. My kids home all day does not offer me the necessary umph to drag my sorry rear out of bed every morning. Getting them off to school? Me going to work? Yes. Those are the types of things that force me to get up in the morning. Everyone hanging out, making messes? Not so much.

Neither choice is more right than other they are just different ways of doing things.

*****

Portlandia.

Watch it.

You'll thank me later.

"you can put a bird on it and call it art!"

{ Snort.}

*****

Jefe and I have a little game that we like to play and it always starts the same way - with me sending him a text asking "when you coming home cause I don't know when", his response is always the same "I don't know when, but we'll get together then yeah. You know we'll have a good time then."

We then spend the next however long shooting obscure song lyrics back and forth at each other-- and the one that receives the text has to send back another line from the song. The more obscure the lyrics are the better.

The most recent ones we threw around?

Jefe: two trailer park girls go round the outside

Me: testing "attention please" feel the tension soon as someone mentions me."

{ name that song. ready. set. go.}

It's crazy fun.

I'm not really sure how it all morphed into what it has, but me likey. A lot.

*****
It's going to be a mellow New Years around these parts and I'm glad. We're gonna hunker down, watch stupid movies-- or maybe a Mt Everest Marathon-- eat bacon wrapped water chestnuts and ring in the new year as a family.

Should be loads of fun.

Unless the teenagers decide they need to do their own partying... then not so much.

1. Trip Through Your Wires - U2
2. Jails & Bombs - Amos Lee
3. #41 - Dave Matthews Band
4. With Or Without You - U2 
5. Oxford Comma - Vampire Weekend
6. Just Like Heaven - The Watson Twins
7. No Such Thing - John Mayer
8. Spectrum - Florence & The Machines
9. Shake Down on Ninth Street - Ryan Adams
10. Baby Blue - Dave Matthews Band 

Bonus: Bad Things - Jace Everett, True Blood Soundtrack

I almost didn't make it through the holidays.

Seriously. I was like *thisclose* to dying one night. Not because someone tried to punch me (that was my manager they punched) but because I lost it and went all Postal on a customer.

I did. I totally flipped right out. Hard.

I bit her head off, chewed it up and spit it out for breakfast. I nearly went back for seconds when the crazy zombie left me and I saw a ray a sanity shining brightly in the distance.

Most people tell you to walk towards the light, but me? I ran for it, people. RAN.

On Christmas Adam (December 23rd) I was pulling my 6th consecutive night shift when a lovely group of carolers showed up to serenade us.


Awww. That's so nice, right?

Not really.

It was nice for about five minutes-- which is how long it took them to finish their repertoire of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, We Wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday Baby Jesus.

(totally not kidding)

I would have been happy with the first run through... maybe even the third. But after an hour of their singing?

Not so much.

I was not feeling it.

Not one little bit.

I had visions of my high school choir teacher, Ms. J, dancing through my head waving her stubby little finger and pointing it heaven ward while screeching "You're flat. You Are Flat! SOMEONE IS FLAT!"

Then the key changes people. Oh My Word. THE KEY CHANGES.

They were not intended, but they happened. Every. Single. Measure.  they were in a different key. And the harmonizing to Happy Birthday Baby Jesus? It made my inner wolf howl.

It was horrid and I had to stand right next to them. ALL NIGHT LONG.

They had parked their tiny little rears in the vestibule making the songs echo throughout the store. Every time someone came into the store -- or left-- they would start at the beginning of their repetoir and sing at the top of their ever loving off-key lungs.

Over and over again. Round and round we went. Rudolph; Merry Christmas; Happy Birthday Baby Jesus.

Off Key. Different Keys. AT THE SAME TIME.

Holy Cow. I was dying a slow and painful death. My eye twitch was in full blown twitch overload mode and no matter what I did I could not stop it from twitching. And there was nowhere I could go in the store to hide.

I actually offered to empty garbage and organize the dock just to get away from the noise.

I felt myself slipping into a sea of madness when some woman came through my line (which was 30 minutes long) and said "How fun! You get to listen to carolers!"

It was right then and there that I completely snapped.

"If they don't stop singing right this very second I'm going to go punch them all in the face because HOL. EEE. COW! THEY FREAKING SUCK!"

She just looked at me like I had completely lost my mind.

And lets be honest: I did.

I mean who freaks out about carolers? Uhh. Me. That's who. 

I scared her, too.

Apparently A lot.

She left my line, went to the vestibule and whispered to the girls serenading us. They looked at me all horrified like, picked up their stuff and promptly left.

I felt guilty for about half a second until I heard the most beautiful sound ever: Silence.

Finally.

Peace and Quiet.

And that's where it happened. In the middle of the silence: My heart grew and I could feel myself starting to be all festive like. I knew it was true when I softly started to hum.


Happy Holidays, Peeps. We made it.

If you ever have to steal money from your kid, and later on he discovers it's gone, I think a good thing to do is to blame it on Santa Claus. - Jack Handy

I've been working the Night Shift six nights a week for the past six weeks and seriously people? It's doing two things to me: Killing me slowly. And feeding me with never ending stories of how insane and totally possessed people have become. 

I kid you not.

I go to work every night wondering what crazy stupid things are going to happen and if we'll make it through a shift without the police being called or being threatened with bodily harm.

Yes. Bodily Harm.

I am seriously considering taking pepper spray to work with me from now until New Years when people become less possessed by Satan. Which, if you look closely, Satan and Santa have the same exact letters-- just in a different order.

Coincidence? I think not.

I will happily hold my pepper spray up as I greet each new customer "Can I interest you in a Schmoles Card tonight?" then when they start to get nasty and yell at me, one little puff will put them back in their place.

And I'll end up in jail.

Which would be safer than Schmoles during the holidays.

I have several stories in draft that I'm working on for your reading enjoyment that hopefully will be finished by this weekend.

Just remember employees have no control over the lines, people, and threatening to punch them in the face because the lines are TOO LONG is not a viable option. You just might find yourself being pepper-sprayed.

#justsayin

*****
I have realized there are some things that I know for sure are true and they will never change. Not in a million years. No matter how much I try.

1. I hate despise loathe The Christmas Shoes song with the passion of thousand burning suns. I also hate synthesizer Christmas Songs that have obnoxious echos in them.
2. Blinking, flashing, spastic Christmas lights on houses, trees -- inside or out-- make me want to lay down and have a grand mal seizure. Add it to synchronized music? I die.
3. Blow up Santa, Reindeer's, Snowmen or Penguins with scarfs are Just. Not. Right. And seeing them littering lawns make me want to punch people.
4. Pink Flamingos with Scarfs wrapped around them does not make them Christmas decorations. It makes them look more stupid than they were sans the scarfs.
5. My kids make me want to overlook all these irritants. Simply because they think they're cool. And it makes them laugh.

****
The other night I was chatting up a teenager at the register that was there with her Dad. Apparently they had been talking about schooling, because as they left my register the Dad said to his daughter "See? A college education is important. You don't want to end up working as a cashier at Schmoles do you?"

I know, right? I was floored, too.

I hollered out to them "I have a college education!"

The Dad looked horrified-- which he should be.

I mean, WHO in their right mind does that?

If I have learned one thing working at Schmoles its this: Too many people are willing to throw other people under the bus to make themselves feel better. You have no idea why a person is where they are-- be kind people. Be Kind. And, don't assume. Or use them as an example to teach your children because more than likely YOU'LL end up being the example and a more poignant teaching tool for your kids-- on how NOT to be.

Yeah. Think about that one.

*****
I haven't done any Christmas shopping yet. Not one ounce. Not one present. Not one single gift. Not even a single treat has graced my oven.

I feel like the Human version of The Grinch.

Here's hoping I can get it done this weekend. I woke up sick again this morning. It's all those freaking late nights at Schmoles, combined with customers threatening to knock me into next week because we're too crowded that's made me sick again.

I don't have time to be sick again.Or the energy.

Cross your fingers and toes I can pull it together long enough to buy some presents. That's my Christmas wish-- energy long enough to do the shopping at 1am.

*****
That's all she wrote this week.

Have a good week, and smile people. Espeically to those who are working in the stores. This time of year is brutal and it really makes a person question people, and their integrity. I can't believe how this holiday, which is really about Christ, has become such a glutenous holiday where people try to out-do each other. And can treat complete strangers who are helping them absolutely horrid, then turn around and tell their kids that some of the stuff they are buying is for the homeless shelter, because "We have to be nice to strangers." while berating you because they had to wait too long.

Not that it's ever happened to me. Or has it?

*****

1. Silent Night - Mariah Carey
2. Rest - The Temper Traps
3. Bartender (Live) - Dave Matthews Band
4. Gone Away From Me - Ray LaMontagne
5. Daydreamer - Adele
6. Believe Me Baby, I Lied - Trisha Yearwood
7. I Will Survive - Cake
8. Oh - Dave Matthews Band
9. Closer To Love - Mat Kearney
10. Running To Stand Still - U2

The majority of my working years have been with the public in some sort of customer service capacity. For the most part I like working with people simply because I can chat with them. I love talking with people and I love the challenge of making a complete stranger laugh.

However, the years and years of working with the public has taught me one simple truth: You Can't Fix Stupid. And, boy howdy. People are stupid. And, not just stupid, but STOO-PID.

People have lost their ever-lovin' minds when it comes to questions. Now, I know the teachers out there are going to say "There's no such thing as a stupid question . . . " But, honey, I'm here to tell you that you're wrong.  TOTALLY wrong.

There are stupid questions and I get asked them on a very. regular. basis. 

Take for instance the lady who asked me -- while I was standing behind the cash register -- if I was working (never mind the lanyard AND giant name badge I had on).  I quickly responded "Nope. I'm just waiting for the register to open so I can steal the money."  Or the guy who asked me last night "Do you sell clothes here?" I looked at him and then did a Vanna White hand move across the store while replying "Nope. Only tires."

Or what about the snotty lady that walked in just as we made our announcement that we were closed, picked out an entire basket of clothes and the proceeded to ask if she could try them all on... "Would I mind not closing my register, waiting and letting her try them all on?" 

My response?

"Yes I mind and No you can't. We're closed." 

She looked horrified. But seriously? We WERE closed. Who does that? Answer: Someone who thinks they are entitled, that's who. 

I roll my eyes so many times during my shifts that I'm actually worried that they're going to get stuck in the back of my head. Just like my mother warned. In my defense: I have to roll my eyes or else I pipe up with snarky comments that I'm worried will get me fired.

Like the quips I dished out on Black Friday to the people who were waiting in the 2.5 hour line at Schmoles. Granted. 2.5 hour lines totally blow, but that doesn't give you a right to be nasty, people.

Take, for instance, the man who tried to rip me a new one about how incompetent I was and that I wasn't hurrying the lines a long quickly enough... he kept going on and on about my inabilities, and the unprofessionalism of Schmoles... That's when I held up my hand to him and said "Seriously Dude? I do not get paid enough to be talked to like this."

Later that same night another lady went OFF on me about how long the lines were, and that "Wal-mart was working people through ten times faster than we were." I was sort of stunned into silence (such an odd feeling for me) because really? Wal-mart has twenty times the registers and is ten times bigger than Schmoles. I held back and simply smiled and said "I'm sorry. We're doing the best we can." 

She piped up about how that wasn't good enough and maybe we should buy more registers for black Friday (what? who says that?). That's when I temporarily lost my mind and said "No one made you come shopping at 2am-- you could have stayed at home in bed. Like a normal person." 

She responded resolutely with a hearty NO! She LOVED shopping Black Friday, it was just that our lines made her crazy.  "You love shopping black Friday?" I said. "Huh. You could've  fooled me." 

I know. I should be fired.

Do not pass go - Fired.

Do not collect $200

You're F-I-R-E-D.

Fired. 

But they won't. Not today anyway. Because truthfully? I say what everyone is thinking.

People are stupid.

And mean.

And act entitled.

Customers try to bully their way into getting what they want-- and are super rude and mean to employees in their quest for acquiring more stuff.

Pretty much every night I have to tell the manager "Listen. If someone complains about me and says that I was rude, here's what I said and why . . . "

Whenever I start the conversation out like this, the managers start to laugh and reply with variations of "Oh Boy. I can't wait to hear what you said this time".

Besides I am right. 

I don't get paid enough to be treated like dirt.

No one does Be warned: I will call you on it.

And, if you ask me a stupid question? I'll totally give you a stupid answer.

Pinky Swear.

Thought of You from Ryan J Woodward on Vimeo.

I saw this on Facebook ages ago, loved it and shared it. Then it resurfaced again yesterday on one of my friends walls. I could sit and watch this over and over again... it's just so freaking beautiful!

At my "job" last week, one of the people I was interviewing talked about how his blog was "about nothing" --  like Seinfeld.

I liked that thought a lot because it aptly describes my blog. It really IS a blog about nothing. Only not as popular as Seinfeld.

The things that people thought were touchy to discuss on Seinfeld, they did in veiled ways.

I've tried doing that, but frankly, I'm not as good at it as Seinfeld, so I'm left talking about silly things like SpongeBob and Celebrity Rehab. Which, isn't a bad thing, because those really are important things that I think about. A lot.

But, they aren't necessarily what has been consuming my thoughts for the past several months.

What has been consuming my thoughts is, as my friend Erin put it, not blog approved. And when what you really want to talk about isn't approved, you are left with nothing to blog about.

Hence the post about nothing.

I can exercise my writing muscles and try to write veiled posts about what I'm really thinking and feeling. Boy howdy that's hard. A good writer can write about something that is bothering them in a way that everyone can relate to-- and have those who are reading think that what is on your mind is the same as what's on theirs.

I don't think I have mastered that skill yet.

Life is actually really good right now. I feel like I should be knocking on wood every time I think that thought, too, because I'm just waiting for the next bomb to drop. Logically I know that isn't going to happen, but I've lived my life for the past elevenity-billion years with that mindset. It's a hard thought process to kick to the curb.

This past year has quite literally been one of the hardest years of my life. I have thought that in the past, but I can confidently say that THIS year is the big one. The life changer. Twenty-eleven kicked my trash. That's been the life changing year for me. Some of the crap from this year is not my fault, and some of it is. That's how life is, you know. A two way street. No one is completely innocent and until you can accept your role in how things are, nothing can change. Ever.

I feel like things are finally changing. For the better. And, boy howdy am I glad. It's exhausting trying to pretend all the time that life is good when in reality you feel like its been in the crapper.

But, that takes us away from the fact that this post is actually supposed to be about nothing. And that this nothing  has the potential to be something that is amazeballs good.

I have this new gig that I am involved with, and while it's been sucking up a lot of my time, I have to say that I am crazy excited about it! And, Oh So Happy.

I spent the last two days filming for it and when I get the all clear, you peeps will be the first ones to get the low-down. Until then, here is a little sneak peek of what I've been up to.

And, yes thank you. I AM crazy funny! Here's my proof: I cracked Jay McFarland, from KSL Radio's The Browser up!