not my ice cream man.

I told you earlier that one of the things I hate about summer is that blasted Ice Cream Man.

He is going to be the death of me before the end of the summer. That is if I don't kill him first.

We are in an out and out-full on war, he and I.

No longer does Moxie believe that it's just a "music truck" that goes around town helping sad little children become happy. No.  She has seen the light. She knows the truth, and the sweet goodness that is located within the belly of that Music Making Monster.

He drives through the neighborhood -- at a snails pace -- enticing the children with his creepy music. I think there are subliminal messages in his music that turns otherwise good children into evil-spawn-of-Satan-children once he has driven by, especially if you don't have any money to give to them. 

How else do you explain the crazed head spinning when they don't get their delicious crack?

Thing 3 and her cronies sell Lemon-aid all the live long day, anticipating his DAILY arrival, so they can impart their hard earned cash to the creepy-music-playing-ice cream-man.

Whom I have lovingly named Damien.

Because as you well know everyone named Damien is a servant of the Devil.

I now have solid proof of that fact in the form of the Ice Cream Man.

Damien is able to convince otherwise disagreeable teenagers to give him their hard earned cash. It's completely crazy, the spells he casts over these children.

Dear Kind Sir Man at the Bank:

 I am fully aware that people should wear shoes-- especially children. I am a proponent of a Non-Dirty Feet Zone, just like the rest of humanity. However that day? That moment? It was the least of my worries.

I don't know if you realize that when you said the things about me, and the kind of Mother I apparently am--loudly enough for me to hear-- to the teller,  you only added to the complete and utter despair that I was feeling.

Not to mention the fact that you completely deflated my already emptying emotional bank.

I've had one helluva a bad week.

Actually, make that two weeks.

It seems as though every. single. day something else has gone wrong in my life. From the giant lake in my backyard to the non-stop running of the sump pump so my basement wouldn't join the flood zone, to my lost debit card-turned stolen. Not to mention someone questioning my integrity.

There were about seventy-bajillion other things that went wrong last week, that sent me into multiple crying spells. It was a hard week and your mean, hateful comments did not help. At All. 

You didn't see me 20 minutes earlier frantically searching for Moxie's shoes-- which she has hidden.

(They're probably with my debit card.)

You also didn't see that I had been crying just 30 minutes prior to that because I was at the end of my ever-loving rope.

I had been cleaning up a huge mess from the sump pump pumping the water back INTO the house. Not out.

I had a huge mess from the deep-cleaning that I was doing.

And, I've had no access to money because my new debit card that I requested was stolen. RIGHT OUT OF MY MAIL BOX.

Not to mention that argument I got into with a friend. And Jefe. 

And, that's only the first couple of days.

Dude.

I knew I had to get to the bank to report my lost debit card as actually stolen, and I had to get there before the bank closed. Coming with Moxie in tow did in fact mean that I was going to have to bring her shoeless.

Candidly, I had bigger fish to fry than worrying about Moxie going into a bank without shoes on.

I cannot emphasize enough the fact that your mean comments that you directed to me through the teller completely destroyed me. Any other day, I would have rolled my eyes and said something about shutting your pie hole. However, that day?  I did my business at the bank, got in my car, and cried all the way home.

I am a good Mom. I love my kids and I take good care of them. Just because we happened to run an important errand at the end of the day-- after me spending the entire day cleaning up disater after disaster after disaster-- does not mean that I am stupid. Or poor. Or dirty. A bad person or a bad Mom.

Or deaf.

It means I've been working. HARD.

Moxie was in her jammies because I was working. HARD.

"People like me" have every right to live in "your" community. Hell, I grew up in this community. I can tell you how it used to look and what used to be on every corner. I know this community like the back of my hand-- and I love it. I am not "what is wrong with this community." 

There is always way more to the story than what meets the eye, and I hope that the next time you see a woman like me, you will think of your wife. Would you want some stranger saying that about YOUR WIFE and children loudly enough for the entire bank to hear?

Yeah. I didn't think so, you big, fat, stupid mustache wearing Jerk. 

~Motherboard

Random Thoughts for today:

1. Why do I wake up with a headache every morning? 
2. That statement up there is truer than true. I'd like to bear my testimony of it and I know it's true. Amen. 
3. Why is it that when my children CAN'T sleep in they do, and when they CAN sleep in the don't? 
4. Dear Cottonwood Trees: I have a chain saw and I know how to use it. kthxbye. oh. ps: I hate you you stupid Cottonwood Trees. You are making me more miserable than summer vacation is right now. 
5. I told my kids that if they didn't clean their rooms better and keep their floors clean and clothes picked up they would get bed bugs. They are all freaked out now and cleaning like crazy. Does that make me a bad mother? 
6. The best way to save money is to have Moxie hide your debit card in the "Jeet" so you can't find it. I'm  too lazy to go to the bank and get checks and it takes FOREVER to get a new debit card. Hence: Money Saved. 
7. I'm still putting my good vibrations out into the Universe for the freaking damn iPad2. I will get one before the end of the year, if its the last thing I do. I had enough money a while ago to buy one, but then I got my car fixed instead. 
8. I hate my car. Just so you know. It needs more work done. Stupid car, keeping me from my Precious.
9. I wanted to try that Slim and Sassy stuff from doTERRA, so I got a bottle. I did like it said and put 25 drops in my water. When I took a drink I may have looked a little like Linda Blair sans the head spinning. And green stuff. It tasted like butt. Not that I know butt tastes like, mind you,  I'm just sayin'. It was nasty. I really want to use it-- my neighbor is dropping the weight like flies. But, I can't get past the taste. And now I'm afraid to even try a little drop because seriously? There is nothing worse than a nasty taste in your mouth. That you put there. On purpose. 
10. I survived the first week of being held hostage summer vacation. Only eleven more weeks to go. 
11. I love that my kids love old music. I am listening to the random play list right now, and I have encountered the best music ever! I am so glad they like "my" kind of music and not that crap most teenagers listen to.  That stuff makes my PTSD from when we were in law school kick in and my eye twitching goes into over drive. I think I need to write down all my law school stories. I was telling them to someone yesterday and they were DYING laughing. And were horrified. All at the same time. I've got some DOOZIES!
12. I turn Forty this weekend, and I think I am OK with it. I was freaked out about it when I turned thirty-nine last year, but I have decided that I'm Forty and Free. Being Forty means I can do whatever I want and not have to care one stinking bit about what other people think. 
13. I bought myself this hat to wear and I love it (I also bought this one, too). People look at me funny when I wear it around town and I don't even care (because I'm Forty and Free, remember?). In fact, I am going to wear it to church on Sunday--- my birthday-- just because I can.  
14. Thing 3 told me last night that she was dying because I didn't have any candy or soda in the house. "I just can't survive any longer without candy or soda, Mom." We have a problem, don't you think? I haven't bought a case of soda for two weeks. I want them to start drinking water. 
15. I have, however, been going to McDonald's every day and getting me my Diet Coke. They put crack in it, did you know? It's true. And, it is a sad commentary on your life when you become the Duchess (yelp) and Mayor(foursquare) of McDonald's.

Go Me!

Have a great weekend. I'm headed for some much needed sun, fun and relaxation. I can. not. wait. to ditch my kids with the Grandparents again. We rented us a swanky car for the 5 hour car ride and I think I'll wear my new hat and pretend we are Parisian Millionaires jetting around "The States".

1. Man Is Alive - Luka Bloom 
2. Break On Through to The Other Side - The Doors
3. Just Like Heaven - The Watson Twins
4. I Have Loved You Wrong - The Swell Season
5. I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
6. Fortunate Son - Creedance Clearwater Revival
7. Stay (Faraway, So Close!) - U2
8. Uptown Girl - Billy Joel
9. Cannonball (Live) - Damien Rice
10. No Such Thing - John Mayer

Bonus: Street Corner Preacher - Amos Lee

I spend a lot of time on the phone. Not because I want to, but because I’m on conference calls. A lot. At least one a day. And on those conference calls I have heard some pretty funny things.

Like yesterday.

I was on a very important conference call, so I kept my phone muted the entire time so they didn’t hear me doing stuff. Like yelling at my kids. Or doing the dishes. Or riding my kids scooter (and trying not to fall).

However, someone else forgot to mute their phone and they flushed.

Yes. They flushed. As in The TOILET.

I was so glad I was muted because I snorted so loudly and was laughing so hard that Moxie actually came in and rubbed my arm “It’s OK Mama. You not need to cry.”

Seriously? A Flush?

I think that is the best one thus far.

Other things I have heard on the phone—which may have all come from Caroline—include:

1. You think this is intimidating? Meet me out in the alley.
2. If I get a ticket because you unbuckle yourself, you will have to pay me $600.00
3. You are grounded for the rest of your life.
4. If you sneak one more piece of food from this pantry you will never eat another drop of food for the rest of your life.
5. If you call yourself that  I will call you Mrs. Crazy Pants.
6. Everything I say is brilliant. My Mom told me so.
7. If you pee your pants I’m giving you poop medicine.
8. If you draw on my wall one more time, I will draw all over you.
9. If you don’t like how I talk, don’t talk to me. I am a yell-talker. Deal with it.
10. MY LIFE IS SO HARD AND BUSY AND I LOVE IT LOL LOL LOL.  (Elisa <-- please use this exact sentence in a tribute post to me in the future.) (Also: Elisa, write a tribute post about me.)

Every single time I talk to her on the phone, I get doozies like those. I’ll start to laugh, and she’ll say “Write it down Elisa. Write it down.”

Little did she know, I was. And I’m totally going to do what Justin did.

Only me?

I’m calling it Crap Caroline Says.

There were ten of us in my kitchen doing the dinner dance when I reached over to slap the kitchen faucet off and actually slapped it right off. As in not attached any more.

I was horrified because I was trying my darnedest to impress these people and Niagara Falls in the kitchen, while it added nicely to the ambience, was not what I was looking for. Scrambling around in our tool chest, I found a wrench, and turned those delicate screws to shut of our sound elements.

The next day, Jefe decided that this was something that he could tackle all by his lonesome.

Now, here’s something you should know about the two of us: DIYer’s we are not. We like to think we are; we even fantasize about all the various things we would “upgrade” in our home. But the cold hard truth is we are about as handy with a hammer as Handy Mandy is Real.

We hustled our little bustles over to the Big Box Store that-shall-not-be-named and purchased our necessary tools for our epic Faucet Repair. The Big Box Store man assured us that this project was easy and anyone with half a brain could accomplish it in no more than 45 minutes.

Cool.

We’re educated people and we rather certain that we could beat that record.

After NINETY MINUTES of trying to get those bolts off, Jefe was getting grumpy. It seems the doofus that built our house didn’t know what he was doing, and stripped everything and then used Liquid Nail.

Why?

Who knows.

Jefe determined that the first step for us in this epic faucet repair would be cutting the tubes that were holding everything together —starting fresh with everything. That seemed like a perfectly logical solution to me, so I offered up my spousal support in the form of watching.

The left side came off flawlessly. Then he started on the right, and that was when all hell broke loose. Quite literally.

Old Faithful erupted in our kitchen and Jefe was trying his hardest to direct all that erupting water down the drain. It wasn’t working very well. I stood gaping at him like a mute fool. I didn’t know if I should start yelling, running around, or cry.

So I decided to laugh.

I laughed so hard I could barely talk.

I couldn't help myself. It was really rather funny. The whole kitchen was getting a nice shower, and poor Jefe was starting to look like a drowned rat. He enlisted my help-- I had to try and direct the water down the drain, while he turned all the water off at the main source. At first, I think he was really mad at me cause I was laughing... but then he started laughing too.

I kept trying to get Jefe to call my Dad to get him to come and help us, because it seemed like we were going about this bass-ackwards.

Jefe’s response? “I went to Law School, for hell’s sake. I think I can handle changing a faucet! “

My Dad’s spidey senses must have been going crazy because literally two seconds later he walked through the door and offered his services. Jefe told him what he was doing, and Dad climbed under the sink and – if I’m lying I’m dying—had the bolt off, and the faucet out in two minutes.

Jefe’s jaw literally dropped.

Twenty minutes later the job was finished.

It was right then and there—in the kitchen with the Geyser actively flowing—that  we pinky swore to each other that we would get baptized into the church of Extended Home Warranties and Faucet Repair Men.

And we have been active, participating members ever since.

*Disclaimer: I am participating in a blogger campaign by Bucks2Blog and was compensated. However, the stories and opinions are my own.

That is all.

(if you are not laughing at this skit then you are dead to me.)

*****
School is out.

I repeat school is out.

Send in back up pronto.

It's Noon and the teenager is STILL SLEEPING.

Oye Vey.

*****
I lost my debit card this past week and could not figure out where I put it. When I went to the bank to get a new one, I explained to Moxie what I was doing and this was our conversation:

Moxie:  "You're debit card? I hided it in da jeet."

Me: You did?

Moxie: Yah! I did.

Me: Can you go get it for me, then?

Moxie: No I can't find it now. I hided it weally good, huh?!

Me: Yes. A little TOO good.

*****
I have a really funny post that I am working on right now.

It involves a nasty oil leak, exploding water heaters and stinky teenagers.

You're gonna love it, baby.

*****
I'm also trying to edit together all the video I poached while at the U2 concert last week. I got some amazing stuff, but my crappy phone will only record in 60 second increments. I guess I need to find a better app so I can get better, longer video.

Before the Concert

The pictures I got were stellar, too. I'll get that wrapped up this weekend while Jefe is off fishing the great white north.

After the concert

And yes. I totally took my sixteen year old daughter, her best friend and my sister.

Truly the best day EVER.

*****
I am also writing a post about the time I lost my mind and made all four of my children go horseback riding-- by themselves-- in the pouring rain-turned-sleet-turned-snow.

It also involves stampeding horses down a Montana State Highway.

My name is Motherboard and I nominate myself for Mother-of-the-year.

*****
I need a pool and some warm weather like a fish needs water.

What is up with this freakin' crappy weather already? It's JUNE 3rd and the temperature is 57?

That Mother Nature needs to get back on her meds. This is getting ridiculous.

However, once it's July and 10,000 degrees kelvin I'll be belly-aching about how stupid hot it is.

There's no pleasing me, I suppose.

*****

Have a grand weekend.

I know we will.


Catch ya on the flip side!

1. Pride in the Name of Love - U2
2. One (Unchanined Melody) (Live) - Bono & The Edge
3. Bitter Sweet Symphony - The Verve *a most excellent song
4. Strawberry Swing (Live) - Coldplay
5. Mysterious Ways - U2
6. Betterman - Pearl Jam
7. Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
8. If You See Kay - The Script
9. Meanwhile, Rich James - Cake
10. Heres To The Meantime - Grace Potter & the Nocturnals