I haven’t slept for ten days, because that would be too long.  - Mitch Hedberg

 

Hello My Pretties.

I bet you haven’t missed me one little iota, have you?

Yeah, I didn’t think so.

I’ve been MIA from the blogosphere—on purpose—and I’m working on a series to explain they whys of it all.  The short of the long is that I had lost my interest—desire—to blog and I just didn’t enjoy it any more. It was a chore. It was drama laced. It was NO. FUN.

I am a strong advocate for the philosophy of  if you don’t love it, don’t do it.

Except for laundry and bathrooms. Those you HAVE to do.

Besides, I think there are only seven of you that are reading me now—and five of you are my sisters and Mom—because I quit reading other peoples blogs. That is the one thing I don’t like about “Mommy Blogging” the reciprocal nature of “the relationships”. I don’t expect you to read me and comment just because I read and comment on your blog.

There have been some major exciting things that have happened in my life over the past month or so that have helped me fall in love with blogging again. I have been reminded of all the things that made me love it in the first place—and none of those reasons were the reasons I was doing it now. I find myself wanting to write again. And not for the sake of comments, but for the sake of writings sake. Comments are like crack—but you end up “chasing the dragon” and it’s never as exciting as your first. 

*****

I sort of broke up with Facebook  because of these two articles: Farewell Facebook and Unfriend, Write or Die.

I deleted my Crazyland Facebook account and then I gave my personal account a major trimming.

Go read the articles so that when I post my series, you’ll better understand what I’m talking about.

*****

My favorite local radio station is back.

That may not seem news worthy to some, but to me it has brought the joy back into driving. Which I do a lot of. The radio station got this hair brained idea that they needed to serve the Gen X audience, so they nixed the alternative format they were doing, and went with the Gen X genre. When I tuned in the first time and found myself humming along to the songs my little sisters swooned over when they were tweens, I tuned out.

I was thrilled when the other day, while radio surfing, I stumbled onto them playing The Temper Traps and then Mumford and Sons. I fell in love all over again.

Thank you for coming to your senses and laying off the Crack, KENZ. My ears appreciate it.

*****

Every day I enter a contest on Facebook to try and win an iPad. I want one. BAD. I also want new carpet. I have written on a sticky note on my computer. I will have new carpet by January 31st. I didn’t get that new carpet by January 31st.

Come on, Universe. You’re failing me here.

My pal, Veronica, told me to write the things I want down on a sticky note where I could daily see them so that my brain would continually think about it. I know she’s right, and so I have written down four things that I stare at daily now—and I’m putting them here on my blog for “the universe” to hear.

• New carpet
• An iPad
• Disneyworld by November with my family
• A specific amount of earnings each month
• A specific amount of new clients for Jefe

You hear me Universe? I’m going to make this happen.

I actually really do believe in the power of writing it down and speaking it. Call it what you want: The Secret, The Law of Attraction, Faith, Goals. Whatever you call it, all I know is that it does work.

Proof?

CBC.

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I have a major bug up my butt to de-clutter and I think I’m tackling my office today. It’s garbage day—so I am purging. BIG TIME.

I am also getting rid of all my books.

{GASP}

That is so contrary to me—I LOVE books, but I can’t stand the clutter any more. I have hundreds of books that I have read once and now they sit on my shelves collecting dust.  I can’t stand it any more. I hate clutter. Jefe hates it more.

I threw away all my scrapbooking magazines and all the copies of the Ensign. What’s the point in keeping all that when you can go online and get everything you ever needed?

Exactly.

I found two charities that I am donating all of my books to, that way I don’t feel like such a schlep for getting rid of them.

*****

My girlfriend and I are going to start helping each other clean house, once a month. I am actually really excited about it. Once a month we will go to each others house, and tackle whatever job is overwhelming us—or just deep clean. You can get so much more done with two—and its way more fun when you have someone to chat with.

I’m thinking our first project is going to be my playroom. It looks like Hiroshima.

*****

Catch you on the flip side, folks.

I have a house to finish cleaning.

1. Little Lion Man – Mumford and Sons
2. New Slang – The Shins
3. Skinny Love – Bon Iver
4. Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeros
5. The Cave – Mumford & Sons
6. Worth Wondering  - Bronze Radio Return
7. Seaside – The Kooks
8. Country Mile – Camera Obscura
9. Dead Man Walking – The Script
10. Back Against the Wall – Cage the Elephant

BONUS: Sweet Disposition – The Temper Trap

My Dad is a world traveler. He has literally been on every continent and has a picture to prove it. I love it when he sends me photos of the various trips he is on via email. It makes my wanderlust flicker to life and I find myself dreaming of all the places I must see before I die.

If you wander in and out of the various rooms in my home, you will see a myriad of photos that I have enlarged and have hanging on my walls that my Father has taken.   People have often mistaken them for “professional” photos. He’s that good.

My Dad has my sense of humor. Or maybe I have his. Either way, our humor is the same. He is a tease and so am I. Joking around with him is always fun. He is also a great story teller—a gift he inherited from his father.

What I didn’t know about my Dad is that he can write about his “boring” day and make me snort out loud. In fact, I was in a rather QUIET meeting this past week, reading my Dad’s emails, when I actually snorted in the middle of the meeting from trying to stifle my laughter.

I told my Dad I really wanted to capture his humor from his emails for our posterity, so with his permission, I am starting a new feature on here on my blog called Dear Motherboard. They will be various emails I get from my father (or my friends) for everyone to read and enjoy because seriously? Who can’t use a good snort every once in a while?

Dear Motherboard:

We returned really late last night from our day of touring and SOAKING.  I'm talking " 11 In the six hundredth year of Noah’s life, ... the windows of heaven were opened. 12 And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty   nights" kind of rain!  We have never seen anything like it. AND LIGHTNING!

Tulum and Coba were great. The LDS tour guide gave us some great insights to the Book of Mormon peoples and perhaps places. We even stopped at a Mayan village. There were 16 people in the family, no electricity, no bathroom and only one small thatch covered hut. It even had a dirt floor. I hope the pictures are good.

Enroute to our tour of Tulum we had to stop to pick up another couple.

They bounced on board and she announced, "We're the Schlinburgs from South Jordan. I'm a world traveler. I own a carpet cleaning business and February is awful for business." 

“Nice to meet you” I said.

Silence from us because THEY continued telling about their trip to Bangkok and to "Paris, because I served a mission there" she said.

Silence from us because we can't get a word in edge wise.

Then she finally quit yammering.

Complete silence.

Then he tapped me on my shoulder - they were sitting on the back seat of the tour van - and asked, "Does your wife speak English?".

Stunned I responded simply, "yes".

And I thought, "What the heck was that all about? Of course she speaks English - and fifteen other languages!"

The thought also crossed my mind, "What kind of stupid, smart aleck question is that?"

Your Mom remained silent.

Then the conversation was changed to the ruins we would be seeing.

Your mom had nothing to say. She was just politely listening to everyone else, but mostly to the "Shillingbergers from South Jordan with a carpet cleaning business!"

Then we arrived at our first stop:  Xel-Ha which was actually the destination of the "Schlickenbachs from South Jordan with a carpet cleaning business".

So your Mom and I got out of the car to use the restroom. Your Mom said, "Nice to meet you" to the "Schoolenbergers from South Jordan with a carpet cleaning business".

Then Mr.  "SmartMouthburger from South Jordan with a carpet cleaning business said to me, "Oh yeah she does speak English!"

"Yeah! With extraordinary fluency!"  I said.  Inside I’m thinking "What the Heck?"!!!

So we leave “Mr and Mrs Schlockingburg from South Jordan with a carpet cleaning business” to spend the day at Xel-Ha.  (must be a great business judging by the upscale place we picked them up from)

During lunch the heavens opened up and within 10 minutes the street had a foot of water running down it! And it continued raining like that the rest of the afternoon. It was quite an experience to be peddled on a tricycle passenger bike through torrential rain to the temple of Kulkulan at Coba.

The meanest thought crossed my mind: "Yeah Mr and Mrs Shokongarse from South Jordan with a carpet cleaning business" are getting soaked ! No umbrella. Drenched and wringing wet. With her blond hair hanging around her ears. And her eye shadow streaking down her cheeks. And her stammering because she looks like a wet cat just getting fished out from an accident with the swimming pool!

When we finally arrived back at the hotel we were shivering cold because we were soaked to the skin. Your mom's hair looked like she had just showered.

My blue jeans weighed 40 pounds more because they had absorbed so much water.

I immediately got in a tub of hot water. Your mom put on the hotel’s bathrobe and sat on the toilet while the hot water warmed up the bathroom. I hurried out once I quit shivering so your mom could get warm. It took us 54 minutes to warm up.

Oh yeah! That couple,  “Mr and Mrs Schmartalek from South Jordan with a carpet cleaning business” ?  Yeah. We stopped for them 1 hour later than anticipated. Unfortunately it hadn't rained at all at Xel-Ha.

"Oh my! You're soaked!"  she gloatingly observed as she strutted on board with her fine blond hair...

Well, gotta go.

The pool looks inviting. Hope I don't get sea sick!

Love,

Dad

I went to BYU this past week for a conference and I knew that I wouldn't be able to get a Diet Coke on Campus. I knew this from past experiences of being Diet Coke-less. Or, more directly, Caffeine infused Diet Coke-less. The other stuff is just brown flavored water. Why even bother?

My pal DeNae and I stocked up on our crack at the local gas station along with some chocolate so that we could summon our mojo from those stingy creative gods.

I was wandering around lost, apparently flaunting my naughty Diet Coke, when I stumbled up to the information desk at BYU to have the cute girl help this sad lost soul. A woman came up behind me and pointed at my glorious juice of the gods and then looked at the person behind the desk as if to say "Are you KIDDING me?"

She said "Where... where.... WHERE can you get this on CAMPUS?"

I smiled my all knowing smile, and said that you couldn't get this sweet goodness on campus, but that I had actually stocked up before I arrived.

She huffed: "Well. You know, Caffeine isn't allowed... or is it?" And gave a knowing glance to the students.

I laughed, and said "Oh I know they don't allow caffeine on campus. I "smuggled" it onto campus. I bring it every year for the Women's Conference so that I can survive.

She snorted at me.

Oh yes she did. She totally snorted at me.

She looked at the students and said "Can she have this here? It has caffeine in it."

They said that they weren't "affiliated" with caffeine, so they couldn't respond to that question.

Really?

You're not "affiliated" with caffeine?

When he calls, do just hang up on him? Do you slam the door in his face when he rings the bell?

What do you mean you're not "affiliated" with caffeine?

"WELL", she said "It's against the rules here. I know that smoking is not allowed on campus, so I'm not going to light up. I go to my car to drink my caffeine diet coke. You need to put that away." And then she took my diet coke and put it inside my coat pocket.

Yes. She did. She totally TOUCHED my Diet Coke and put it underneath my coat, as if to hide my sins.

I promptly took my Diet Coke back and placed it on the counter while saying: "I don't hide my sins under a bushel, I flaunt them for the world to see."

She didn't think that was very funny, so being the consummate performer that I am, I put that Diet Coke BACK underneath my jacket and then turned very slowly to her and opening my jacket said in a deep gravely voice: "Hey little girl, wanna buy a Diet Coke?"