Cobwebs
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
When I have pressing work items that need to be done, I procrastinate and clean my house. I clean like a crazed mad woman who is on a mission to rid the world of uncleanliness.
It's strange that I do that, with regards to my work, because when I have pressing items that need dealing with in my personal life? I retreat and hide. I stop cleaning. I stop cooking. I stop functioning. I stop being.
That has been me for the last eleven months -- Retreating and hiding from my personal life, hoping it would somehow just fix itself or go away. And as such, my life became littered with dirty cobwebs.
I suspect that everyone has cobwebs in their lives that need dealing with. Most people are probably very good about cleaning out the corners of their lives-- riding themselves of those obnoxious webs.
Others of us -- like me-- have a tendency to ignore the cobwebs until they have completely taken over and you can't see the windows for the doors.
I have spent the last three months trying to clean out my cobwebs, and it has been an arduous task. Sometimes I felt like throwing in the towel saying "I give up! These damn cobwebs win. They have conquered me and there is no hope for ever seeing the light of day." And then other times I catch a glimpse of sunlight, radiating through my cobwebs, and I can see that it is beautiful mess. Beautiful in a different way. Maybe even a better way.
My friend asked me recently why I hadn't been writing on my personal blog, and when I explained she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I understand. You have to clean out those cobwebs. It will be worth it in the end."
I know she's right. It's just really hard and a very dirty process-- getting all these damn cobwebs cleaned.
And, just when I think I have found them all, I turn around and find six more over the window of my soul that somehow I had missed before. And the process starts all over again. However, this time? I'm not giving up until I have cleaned every nook and cranny and purged those webs.
I realize that I will have to continually clean my nooks and cranny's to keep those pesky webs from popping back up. That's a new thought process for me and something I never realized before-- that I have to do continual, constant maintenance. If I had only realized that years ago, I could have saved a lot of time, energy and tears.
I look at my four little monsters and I desperately do not want them growing up with my cobweb mess.
I want them to get their own, dirty cob-web mess.
I want them to have learned from watching me and their Dad try to clean out our cobwebs and then translate that into skills for cleaning out their own mess ... when the time comes. Because it will. Of that I'm certain.
I am realizing more and more that its not ever a matter of if but when those pesky cobwebs show up. Everyone, at some point or another, has to deal with them or else they run the risk of losing everything. If my kids can see and learn how to effectively rid their lives of the unwanted webs now then they will be light years ahead of the rest of us.
And maybe they will be better equipped to teach their children how to effectively de-cobweb their lives without having to experience some of the pain that comes when you have to learn the process the hard way. One can only hope. It seems like it would be easier to learn this process when you have no other people depending on you rather than trying to navigate it with a family.
See that? It's me trying to look on the bright side of things.
During one of my darkest hours recently, my cute neighbor took this picture, posted it on Facebook and then called me to tell me about. I was occupied with the ugly cry when she called, so I let her call go to voice mail.
She had no idea the waters I had been navigating, or the demons I had been wrestling but her message was simple and directly from God: "I walked out in my garage this morning and I saw the most perfect rainbow going right over your house. I had the most peaceful feeling come over me, as if to say Everything is going to be alright, and I wanted you to know that."
I cried the ugly cry even harder as I listened to that message. Twice.
It was exactly what I needed to hear and to know -- that He was aware of the cleaning I had been doing and that He was on board with the decisions I had made. That was the gentle push forward that I needed to remember... Remember how to clean. How to cook. How to function. How to be.
And, we will be OK.
Of that I'm certain.
It's strange that I do that, with regards to my work, because when I have pressing items that need dealing with in my personal life? I retreat and hide. I stop cleaning. I stop cooking. I stop functioning. I stop being.
That has been me for the last eleven months -- Retreating and hiding from my personal life, hoping it would somehow just fix itself or go away. And as such, my life became littered with dirty cobwebs.
Others of us -- like me-- have a tendency to ignore the cobwebs until they have completely taken over and you can't see the windows for the doors.
I have spent the last three months trying to clean out my cobwebs, and it has been an arduous task. Sometimes I felt like throwing in the towel saying "I give up! These damn cobwebs win. They have conquered me and there is no hope for ever seeing the light of day." And then other times I catch a glimpse of sunlight, radiating through my cobwebs, and I can see that it is beautiful mess. Beautiful in a different way. Maybe even a better way.
My friend asked me recently why I hadn't been writing on my personal blog, and when I explained she looked at me with tears in her eyes and said "I understand. You have to clean out those cobwebs. It will be worth it in the end."
I know she's right. It's just really hard and a very dirty process-- getting all these damn cobwebs cleaned.
And, just when I think I have found them all, I turn around and find six more over the window of my soul that somehow I had missed before. And the process starts all over again. However, this time? I'm not giving up until I have cleaned every nook and cranny and purged those webs.
I realize that I will have to continually clean my nooks and cranny's to keep those pesky webs from popping back up. That's a new thought process for me and something I never realized before-- that I have to do continual, constant maintenance. If I had only realized that years ago, I could have saved a lot of time, energy and tears.
I look at my four little monsters and I desperately do not want them growing up with my cobweb mess.
I want them to get their own, dirty cob-web mess.
I want them to have learned from watching me and their Dad try to clean out our cobwebs and then translate that into skills for cleaning out their own mess ... when the time comes. Because it will. Of that I'm certain.
I am realizing more and more that its not ever a matter of if but when those pesky cobwebs show up. Everyone, at some point or another, has to deal with them or else they run the risk of losing everything. If my kids can see and learn how to effectively rid their lives of the unwanted webs now then they will be light years ahead of the rest of us.
And maybe they will be better equipped to teach their children how to effectively de-cobweb their lives without having to experience some of the pain that comes when you have to learn the process the hard way. One can only hope. It seems like it would be easier to learn this process when you have no other people depending on you rather than trying to navigate it with a family.
See that? It's me trying to look on the bright side of things.
During one of my darkest hours recently, my cute neighbor took this picture, posted it on Facebook and then called me to tell me about. I was occupied with the ugly cry when she called, so I let her call go to voice mail.
She had no idea the waters I had been navigating, or the demons I had been wrestling but her message was simple and directly from God: "I walked out in my garage this morning and I saw the most perfect rainbow going right over your house. I had the most peaceful feeling come over me, as if to say Everything is going to be alright, and I wanted you to know that."
I cried the ugly cry even harder as I listened to that message. Twice.
It was exactly what I needed to hear and to know -- that He was aware of the cleaning I had been doing and that He was on board with the decisions I had made. That was the gentle push forward that I needed to remember... Remember how to clean. How to cook. How to function. How to be.
And, we will be OK.
Of that I'm certain.
