Random Randomness and the some Tunes

Friday, April 27, 2012

"The Constitution gives every American the inalienable right to make a damn fool of himself." - John Ciardi

I was driving down the interstate with my girlfriend a while back when she came up with this hair-brained idea for a post, and dare I tell you that I nearly crashed the car I was laughing so hard? She grabbed a piece of junk mail off the floor of my van and quickly started scribbling down what we had been laughing about.

And then I forgot about that brilliant post idea because I lost the envelope in the sea of junk squatting in my van.

However.

I have since found that envelope and it made me snicker all over again. You see it was entirely based on us seeing a 65+ year old man writing REPENT with his Red Solo Cups in the overpass chain-link fence.

Totally serious.

Repent. In the chain-link fence OVER the interstate.

My girlfriend and I raised our eyebrows, cocked our heads to the side and we both turned to each other with our mouths gaping as if to say "wha the wuh-wuh?" at the exact. same. time.

Which is what nearly caused me to wreck the car.

The dude was greyer than Gandolf the Grey and he was punching those red solo cups into the fence with such fury I thought the fence was going to fall over. He was spelling out Repent. Now, it's quite possible that his message may have included more, but I only saw the repent portion.

Which it seems was a gift from my Muse because the ideas started flowing like Niagra Falls.

*****
In the mall by my house there is a Kiosk that sells Dead Sea Facial rubs. It's run by a bunch of obnoxious kids. They see you coming and start walking towards you yelling all the reasons why your skin is in dire need of their product. I will go to great lengths to avoid the Dead Sea Kiosk because it's just awkward. They don't take no for an answer and will actually follow you along if you aren't rude.

Which I am rather adept at being, but I am trying to be a better person and not be rude.

It's hard people.

Thing 1 and I were at the mall shopping and I forgot to tell her to not look them in the eye or even acknowledge them. If you do? You get sucked into the never ending schpeel of why your face is going to be ruined for eternity without the mud from the birthplace of our Lord and Savior.

I held my head down and quickly made my way past the kiosk. I turned to say something to her and she was nowhere to be found. I assumed she had stopped in the teeny-bopper store we had passed, so I sent her a text and told her where I was heading.

She promptly sent me a text back saying the Dead Sea guy had stopped her and she needed me to come back so he could tell me about all the products she needed for her face.

My response?

"I am not coming back and turn around right now and run. They will hold you hostage. RUN! Run for your life, sweet child 'o mine. RUN AWAY!"

I know. I am so mean.

Then I did a little covert action and watched from afar as she tried to worm her way out of the clutches of the Dead Sea Kiosk hairy dudes.

It was awesomely funny. Because she could see me, but they had no clue that I was her mother so they ignored me and kept pestering her. I wish I could explain the death glares that child of mine sent me. It was the most entertaining thing I had seen all week!

Now when we are at the mall together walking down the Dead Sea hall? We both pretend to talk on the phone. TO NO ONE. They start approaching and I mouth "I'm on a business call, sorry" and keep on walking discussing the ever increasing cost of rice from China and just keep walking.

My tip to you? Don't make eye-contact and pretend to be on the phone. Otherwise you'll get sucked in the Dead Sea Vacuum and the only way you can escape is by paying them $34.99 for MUD.

I'll sell you mud from my backyard for that price. Sheesh.

*****
I have a neighbor that mows his lawn three times a week.

Totally not exaggerating either.

His garage is also spotless.

I fully expect one of these days to come home and find him laying on his belly with a ruler and scissors to make sure his grass is all equally cut and symmetrical.

I wonder how I could get him to channel his OCD over his lawn into MY yard.

{the wheels are turning now peeps}

*****
I cannot wait for this movie to come out. It looks fantastic!