Everything I Know I Learned From Reading My Email

I like email. A lot.

Especially now that I have a smart phone that can handle multiple email accounts.

The only problem is that I get really stupid email. REALLY STUPID email.

I mean who wants the "Clean out your colon in 90 days" or the  “I cute. You be my boyfriend” email.

Seriously. Do your market research people. I don’t play that way.

I also get lots of email from the “solicitor” who is trying to settle the estate of my long lost Nigerian Uncle who wants to leave millions of dollars to me. Or how about the one from the former FBI agent who has suddenly gotten a conscience and her “Christianity” won’t allow her to associate with all the heathens in the FBI.  She just wanted  to alert me to all of the wrong doings of the government and if I will believe her, she has a huge sum of money she will send me from The New York Bank of Mellons.

I am not kidding.

Somehow I have gotten on the email list of Staples Headquarters and every week I get an email from them letting me know about all the job opportunities available. The first time I got it I was all excited because I thought they were headhunting me. Nope. It was an email to let me know they had a Cashiers position available at a store about 10 miles from my house. Would I be interested in applying?

No. Thanks for asking.

I really like the melt your fat away emails and the enlarge your man parts emails. That last one always baffles me. I’m a girl for heaven’s sake.

And, that’s just the spam email.

I get all sorts of crazy stupid forwards that people send along. I’m always baffled at the crap that people forward on believing every single word. If it says it’s true, and your neighbor across the street sends it to you then it must be true, right?

For Example:

1. If you are approached in the parking lot of a gas station by someone selling perfumes run for your life—they are going to poison you with ether cotton balls.

2. If you are going to your car in a mall parking lot, look under your car because rapists hide under there and slit your ankles and then drag you off and violate you.

3. Before you pump your gas, check the gas handles because creepers put needles full of sedatives in them on the handles so it will poke you, drug you and they can drag you off to then violate you.

4. If you notice someone following you while driving in your car, you just have to dial #77 in any state and you will immediately be connected with highway patrol dispatchers.

5. Don’t shake hands with strangers because you will get injected with a knock out drug and then dragged off and … Yup. You guessed it. Violation.

6. Watch out when you go to the malls because you could possibly be murdered by people being initiated into Gangs.

7. Watch out for people handing out key-rings. You know like the ones you get from companies for free? Yeah. They have tracking software in them that makes it so they can track where you live and then come and violate you.

8. If I will sign this petition and pass it on to all of my contacts, then Bill Gates will FOR SURE share a portion of his wealth with everyone that signs the petition.

9. I HAVE to sign the petition—especially if I’m a good Christian—to stop the FCC from banning all religious broadcasting in the US. Including, and not limited to:  Touched by an Angel, Music and the Spoken Word, Joyce Meyers, Joel Osteen and General Conference

10. That “it was on the news and in an email so it’s totally true” if you forward this email on to everyone you know you will be participating in a Microsoft study and they will totally pay you. $243 for the first forward $242 for the second and $241 for the third. In one week  I can earn over $25k just from forwarding emails. Dude! The guy who wrote it was an attorney—so it MUST be true!

Seriously,  if I believed everything that was sent to me, I could write a book and  call it “Everything I Know I Learned From Reading My Email”  Not only would I be rich but I would be a freaking basket case.

I just have three words people. THREE WORDS: snopes dot com

Amen.