Why I Should Have a TV Sitcom

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

There is a new TV show coming out called $!@$% (Bleep) My Dad Says and it's staring William Shatner. I sort of adore William Shatner.

I mean, how. Can. younot? (said in my best Shatner voice)

It's based on a Twitter stream of this 29 year old that moved back in with his Dad and just started documenting the crazy stuff his Dad was saying.

It looks funny and I can't wait to watch the show. 

It did, however, get me thinking.

My kids could totally make a twitter stream and turn it into a sitcom. Only, we'd call it

$!@%* (Bleep) My Mom DOES.

Let me give you some examples:

1. I won't let Thing 1 or her friends get into the car after  the midnight screening of Twilight until they yell at the top of their lungs "Motherboard is the Queen of the Universe. She eats Chuck Norris for breakfast!" 

2. Thing 1 and her friends want to do a Chinese fire drill. So, I let them. Except I lock the doors and won't let them back in the car until they do the Thriller Dance in the headlights of the car. (yes. people were behind us.)

3. Moxie shoves a bead up her nose, so I decide it would be a good idea to try and suck the bead out with the vacuum hose. It's not a good idea, nor does it work. And, she might need therapy.

4. Instead of using the vacuum to suck said bead out I BLOW into her other nostril so hard the bead shoots across the room and Moxie looks at me and says "Tank-you Mommy"

5. The whole Pet Sitting Episodes. Bad. Very Bad.

6. My dog runs out the front door and heads off down the street doing Born Free Jumps, while I chase her.  We end up in a park and I was having zero luck getting her to come to me. Then I hear the voice of my Jedi Dog Trainer "Curl up in a ball on the ground and yelp like a hurt dog, and she'll have to come investigate."  So I do. Every other dog at the park comes over to sniff me. Except my dog. She runs home.

7. I took a shower with the windows open. Need I say more?

8. When I was a missionary I had to visit a family at their gas station. I was waiting for the line to get smaller so we could chat with this guy so I started to play with a giant bowl full of what I thought was chocolate coins. I lovingly caressed the coins, thinking how much I loved to eat that kind of chocolate. I kept telling the guy "I love this stuff! It's chocolate, right?" I would pick out 5. No 10. No 23. And comment again about how much I LOVED this stuff. I couldn't figure out why FOR THE LOVE ALL THINGS HOLY everyone around me was laughing so hard.

Yeah. It wasn't a bowl of chocolate coins. It was a giant bowl of condoms.

9. I totally mocked the men that were coming into the wrong bathroom.

10. I'm teaching a Sunday  School class to 13-14 year old girls and boys.  We were talking about what a compass does and how it works. One of the boys said he didn't need a compass, he just always knew where North was.  Without thinking I said "Yeah. I don't need one either. I have a GPS in my Uterus."

My show would totally be a hit, don't you think?  The question on the table now is WHO do I get to play me? 


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9 monkeys jumping on the bed:

  1. Kristina P. said...

    You forgot about how you have a dragon mouth and breathe loudly now.

  2. Barbaloot said...

    Love number 3. And I hate animals, but have a feeling I might like your dog:)

    I would laugh at your show---and that's all I require of a sitcom.

  3. Just SO said...

    I have to say I would totally watch your show.

  4. DeNae said...

    I've heard your pet-sitting stories. That's a whole series all by itself, except no one would believe it and you'd probably wind up arrested by the ASPCA.

    "Born Free jumps" had me laughing out loud.

  5. Emily said...

    You could so totally be on that show! Still laughing about the Chinese fire drill thing. Awesome!

  6. Libby's Library said...

    As far as I'm concerned - if even one of these is true...you should write a book! Laughing so hard, that if I was drinking milk, it would be shooting out my nose

  7. Janelle said...

    I would totally watch...I can't believe blowing in the other nostril actually worked!
    And the chocolate coins...pure comedy!

  8. Sher said...

    I came out of retirement to tell you that you're funny.

    I miss you.

    Let's play sometime.

  9. Kellie said...

    Holy snorting out my nose funny. Had to cross my legs and put my hand over my mouth to keep from waking the baby.