Moxie

I can't believe that Moxie is 1 month old today. Where did all that time go? It seems like just yesterday that I was sitting in a hospital room... rather scared. I kept watching Jefe, wondering if we really had thought this decision to bring another critter into the world entirely through. I'm not sure why I was so nervous about this baby... she was a healthy little girl. But, I was entirely terrified. My MIL showed up at our house at 7:00am to take care of my other kiddies, so that we could go to the hospital and get 'er done.
When she walked into the kitchen, I was sitting there eating some breakfast... she started laughing. "I can't believe you are sitting there eating when you are going to go have a baby." Really, that shouldn't have shocked her. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food... but I told her that I was starving and I had no idea how long I was going to be in labor, and I didn't want to spend the next 2 days starving. I probably shouldn't have eaten, but I was NOT going to go there hungry. That would have only made my grumpiness later on worse. (Don't mess with the motherboard when she's hungry).

Anyway.
We walked in, and there were no introductions. No pleasantries... it was all business. "Go in the bathroom, and change into this"... I was a little shell shocked. Weren't we going to shoot the breeze first? Get to know each other a little better? Sing a round of Kumbaya or something? But, I was a good little patient. I got into my designer (not) gown, and jumped up on that bed (which, was actually quite comfortable). Jefe and I kept looking at each other, shooting the breeze about weird stuff... like the fact that in Japan you can be cremated, and then used as fertilizer. Really. They use your ashes and plant them with a tree... in your honor. I told Jefe that I thought that sounded pretty good. Or, the fact that his Mom wants to be buried in a bio-degradable casket. When Jefe's Dad died, she made me promise that we would bury her in something bio-degradable. (i asked her if she meant cardboard, and she smiled and said, yes. thats perfect!) Somehow, that conversation evolved into including our Nurse, and we discovered that her brother lived in my stake out in Illinois, and I actually knew of them. Jefe started shaking his head and was all "Seriously. Do not play the 'do you know game' with Motherboard... she will always win." I know, its weird. But, true... everywhere we go, I can find someone who knows someone that I know... The 6 degrees of separation is VERY REAL!

Anyway. They gave me an IV (which Jefe almost passed out from. He stayed over there---> really far away---> on the other side of the room---> while they were giving me the IV. When it was over, he came over to comfort me because that thing hurt like a freaking pistol beating! He took one look at the blood still on my arm, and swayed back over there---> and stayed there for awhile!) Then they started the antibiotic cocktail and shortly after started the Pictosin. (at 8:45) The Dr came in to check me at 9:00. I was dilated to a 2, however I had not effaced at all. He was doing his darnedest to convince me to let him break my water. I kept telling him if he broke my water, we would have a baby within 2 hours. (when my water broke with Thing 3, I was at a 2-- and 55 minutes later I was holding a little baby. I SERIOUSLY did not want to do that again!)
He kept telling me that we wouldn't go that fast. We sort of had a little argument. The nurses kept assuring me that I should just let him break my water, because even doing that, we would be here at least until 5pm. (WHAT? Grrreat!)
No rush.
We had all day.
So, I let him break my water, which I might add felt like he was trying to pick my nose. Really. I was trying really hard not to kick him across the room! At one point, I told him that his little crochet hook was picking my nose on its way to my brain... Oh. Wait. There it was, in my brain now. He should be extra careful -- up.there.in.my.brain. -- because there wasn't much there to begin with.
Anyway.
I had been telling the Dr. that when I showed up at the hospital, I really wanted the Anesthesiologist to just meet me at the entrance, and give me the epidural while he wheeled me up to L&D.
He laughed.
I told him I was serious. (No one met me at the elevator with drugs, btw.) Yet, as I sat there, post brain/nasal cleaning, I was feeling pretty good. I wasn't feeling anything, and thought that maybe this would be easy. At 10:00, they came around telling me that the anesthesiologist had me next on his list to give the epidural to. I was feeling rather tough, and said "Hey. No biggie. I'm doing great! I can go for maybe another 2 hours!" (Jefe was arguing with me, and I just gave him the look-- you know the one?! The 'don't mess with the pregnant lady in labor' one?!)
So. They kicked the Pictosin up a notch. Yeah. I started dying. Like really hurting, dying. Kill me now dying. I think secretly the nurses wanted to show me who's in charge... It worked. I as begging them for the epidural. They went and got the God of Medicine. He was such a happy man, whistling down the hall. I had heard him earlier, whistling, and thought to myself "Will someone please shut the whistler up? I'm trying to have a baby here!" But, now that I was in the throes of pain, and realized that the whistler as the God of Medicine... well. The closer that whistling came to me, the closer I was to ecstasy. Know what I mean? The nurse came in first, and told me to get up and sit on the side of the bed. As I am doing this, I catch a glimpse of the Medicine God...
ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME???
I groaned really loud and looked at Jefe and said "I went to High school with him." Medicine God heard me, and goes "Yeah. I thought you looked familiar. How ya doin' Motherboard?"
Grrreeeeaaaaattttt. Now one of my high school classmates is going to get to see my gigantic rear end! Just what I've always wanted! He was clearly in a very good mood, and proceeded to tell me about all our classmates that were in the medical field (like I cared right then! it felt like my insides were exploding!) and what everyone was doing. I was really scared, because as anyone who knows me knows, I am a GIANT boo-waa baby. I HATE pain. I avoid pain. I kept asking him how much it was going to hurt. He proceeded to then tell me about the size of the needle, and how he used the needles to operate on himself when he gets ingrown toenails. (ewww!! gross! ) Jefe started laughing when I told him maybe we should try and score us some of those! But, really. How much was this going to hurt, Medicine God? Medicine God started to chuckle, and said:"I can tell that you are really scared. Just hold really still and this will all be over before you know it." What if I have a contraction? "Just keep holding still. Don't be afraid. Fear is funny thing... (this is Medicine God still talking to me... giving me pep talk now) Just let go of your fear. Then you will be fine. The only thing you have to fear is the fear itself..."
I turned my head and said: "Seriously Dude. You need to shut up now!" Everyone started laughing and the nurse was all, He has a big needle in your back, you should be nice. I looked at her and was all: "He needs to shut up right now, and get that damn needle where it needs to be." Jefe just stood there and laughed at me. If I didn't love him so much, and feel sorry for him and his own needle issues, I probably would've punched him. However, in my defense, once that medicine kicked in... I was rrreeeaaaally nice again. And weird too. I commented to my nurse that I was relieved that he just got to see my giant crack and not my hoo-haa. That would've been even more embarrassing! (can you just see Jefe saying: See?! I told you. Do not play the 'do you know game' with Motherboard!)

I promptly took a nap. I was exhausted. That was hard work... feeling pain and yelling at everyone! That epidural was very effective! I couldn't move anything. I was convinced that the nurses had left my leg in an upright position. Jefe kept telling me that it was just laying there all flat. No. I kept telling him. Its up. Its bent. Its weird. (No. You're weird, motherboard.)
They checked me again at 11:30, and I was only at a 5, and only 50% effaced. They were like "Yeah. See. We told you we would be here until at least 4 or 5pm. We'll come back and check you again around 1 or 1:30pm" I told them that I was freezing... I was shaking profusely. I remembered from my natural birth experience doing the same thing, and wondered if I was in transition. They were all no, (again, you're just weird) we'll get you another blanket. I laid there and shook, and tried to sleep when I felt something VERY weird in my thigh. I told Jefe that something weird was going on in my thigh. He just looked at me and I am sure was thinking, "Lady. You are stoned. Be quiet." He very kindly said "You can't feel anything in your thigh... you have an epidural." No. Really. I feel something... I was pulling my blanket back to show him my thigh when I SAW my thigh move. Really. I did. It moved, and it felt like someone was kicking it from the INSIDE! The nurse came in, and Jefe told them that I was feeling something in my thigh. (we know. she's on drugs right now) The nurse said she would check me again at 1:30 (it was about 12:30 now). They proceeded to put the 2nd round of antibiotic in minus the "Cocktail" and I FREAKED OUT. They left me there... in.pain.
Seriously.
It felt like my arm was on fire. Jefe finally went and got them to come and take the medicine out, and while they were there would they please check me?
When the nurse did check me, she was all: "Oh My." and ran and got the other nurse to check me. She did, and responded "Oh. My! You have a baby right there! I'm glad you insisted we check you, or you would've been delivering this on your own!" (Oh My is NOT something you want to hear from your nurse when you are in labor!) She turned to other nurse and told her to bypass the calling, page the Dr. 911 to get here now. They all quickly started gathering all their tools together, while I started panicking! What did they mean? I had a baby "there"? They wanted me to start pushing?? Really?
I started crying to Jefe. "I don't want to push all day. I'm not ready to push. What is going on." Jefe was so kind and just held my head and told me to be strong, that it was time. I could then hear the Dr running down the hall telling everyone, "I should have listened to the mother!" He came in gasping for breath, and quickly changed into his scrubs. This is where I totally freaked out... I saw this leg getting lifted and swung (like a Barbie leg, I might add) up into the stirrups. I remember thinking: "Who in the heck do THOSE legs belong to? and why are they wearing my socks??" I completely freaked out when it dawned on me those were MY legs, and MY socks... and I couldn't feel anything.
Nothing.
Squat!
How, exactly, did they expect me to push a baby out when I couldn't even feel someone touching my legs?? (at that point I started begging them to turn off the epidural!) My Dr -- who, come to find out is also my COUSIN... (yeah. don't even try the game with me. I will always win) -- was totally excited! I was just crying. He told me to push, so I did my best. Then he said, "The contraction has stopped, lets wait for the next one. I'll tell you when to push. Oh. Wait. Never mind. She's birthing herself. Here's her head. Oh. There's her shoulder. Here's your baby. She birthed herself!"
Yeah, so I pushed once.
Just 1 time.
Yes.
I AM totally proud of that fact!

I sat there and cried and cried. She was/is beautiful. I couldn't believe how smooth it had all been. Jefe had been teasing me for the majority of the pregnancy that it would be really great if I could get the whole birthing thing done before lunch. Well Jefe, is 1:00pm close enough to lunch for you?? From start to finish, this whole birthing thing took 3 hours. Pretty slick! Don't you think? The Dr. kept telling me: "She is fine! Everything you we were worried about didn't happen!" (there had been a lady in my neighborhood whose baby died when he delivered it! needless to say I was totally freaked out! ) I had been freaked out, and I didn't realize how much until I heard that little one cry!
Hindsight is awesome. It gives a person so much insight... or ability to change.
I can say now that the fear was real! I felt like I had a bullseye on my chest... I was just waiting for something tragic to happen. Thank the all mighty that nothing has. Moxie has been a complete joy. The feeling she carries with her is still there... she is such a peaceful child. She is content to watch the world... rarely complaining. What a blessing for our family she has been! I have to say that having this baby has actually been so easy. I was a total freaker after I had Thing 3... Having 3 kids really threw me for a loop... We were now totally out numbered, and they could totally mutiny on us--- AN WIN!
Having said that, Moxie has been a complete joy. She has been an answer to my prayers. I was devastated when I lost my baby back in 2006... Moxie has filled the "void" that I had been feeling. She has been an amazing addition to our family. She still rarely cries. She likes to watch and see what everyone is doing. She is so peaceful, and that peacefulness that is her, radiates through my home. We labored over her name. Quite literally. We just couldn't come up with names that we BOTH liked. I think we actually started picking names that we knew would bug the other one. We settled on 1 name, its meaning is 'Wisdom'. However, when she was born, and I saw how content she was, I was insistent that her first name be the one that meant 'delightful, adornment or paradise'... because when we are all with her, she makes us feel like paradise, and we are all happy. The kids love her, and they love the way she makes them feel.
She has started smiling-- spontaneously. I have heard her laughing in her sleep lately (that is hard to miss, since I hold her ALL.THE.TIME!) and I can't wait until she does that spontaneously too!
So. Miss Moxie is 1 month old today. She is such a blessing, and brings much needed peace to our home. I am excited to see where these little feet will take her!