The Answer to my Question...

A couple of weeks ago, I was having a difficult time sleeping. I had a major event at church I was planning (or ignoring); a Sunday lesson to prepare & teach; another church meeting to attend; city council to fight (that's another blog post for another time); a Junior High PTA meeting to attend (I'm on the board there); an Elementary PTA meeting to attend (yup. Board there too); 107 choir children to teach; 2 articles due to my "editor"; about 30 blogs to review and categorize for THIS website; a baby to care for; older children to care for and taxi hither and yon; bathrooms to clean; a playroom to clean--because it looked like something had exploded in there; an office to organize; laundry to fold (oh the laundry); errands to run; a dog to bathe (seriously gross smelling dog now); several books I "had" to read... I felt a little like that guy up there in that box!

That is when it hit me. I was not being honest with myself. I am perfectly willing to be honest with others. But, I had been kidding myself. My life was a chaotic mess. I walked around the house, from room to room and felt so overwhelmed I just wanted to hide in the corner, rock back and forth and suck my thumb.

Since that really isn't an option... I decided it was time I take control again. I pulled myself up by my proverbial boots (after a good cry) and said to my home: "I'm the boss around here. You don't run me! I run you!" I decided I would stop kidding myself and accept the truth that was staring me in the face.

I have always struggled (I hate that word) with Anxiety and Depression. When you throw ADHD into the mix it really is a recipe for disaster. Or self combustion. Which ever happens first, and this time it was disaster that struck -- in the form of my chaotic house and life.

I have been told a lot that I am a "what you see is what you get" type of a girl. That used to bug me. Big time. I mean I wanted to be mysterious and exotic not predictable and ordinary. But, over the years, I have become OK with my "label". I will tell you what I REALLY think... not what you want to hear. Sometimes those things gel... sometimes they don't.

I will not deliberately tell you something that will hurt your feelings. I try to follow the rule: If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. However, if we are in a meeting or something, and you ask my opinion? I'll tell you. Someone said recently that I say what everyone else is thinking. I guess that's a good thing... right?

If I don't want to do something, I won't and I have no problem telling you that it just won't work for me. Sometimes this has gotten me into trouble with the neighbors. Big, big trouble. I am not willing to do things that I don't want to do-- and it has caused problems. Made people not speak to me. I guess that is their prerogative, if they want to be mad over that. At least I am not doing _________. Right? I feel bad when it makes people mad at me when all I am doing is not only being honest with myself, but honest with them as well. But, in the end, I have to be honest and true to myself first. I am the one that I live with. Not the neighbors, but me. When I am honest with me, then everything else falls into place.

So, here is me being honest: I function better with my medication. I have tried for 18 months to function without it. I will be honest (hee hee)-- I have done pretty dang good with regards to my depression. I keep myself insanely busy so that I have no time to brood. I know what my anxiety attacks feel like-- and I have learned over the years how to manage them.

However, my life is still chaotic. That is because of the ADHD. I can't concentrate. I can't follow through with things, and I just sort of wander around aimlessly like a lost little puppy dog. I am being honest when I say that it is silly of me to try and be super woman and manage all this alone-- when I know that there are things out there to help me.

I got my prescription filled for my anxiety, depression and ADHD medication. Thankfully my Doctor has found the perfect medicine that meets all those needs, so I only have 1 pill to take. I accept this fact, that I take medicine to function. I am OK with that. And, my life is finally mine again. I am in control.

Rawr!