Toss me the duct tape baby!

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


Using the words sewing and Motherboard together is pretty much a gigantic oxymoron! Seriously, its huge huge HUGE.. so huge its laughable.

I have a sewing machine... but do I know how to use the sewing machine?
Umm. No.
Thing 1 has to turn it on and thread it for me. I know, just hold your snickers...

One time, my friend, MamaRn and I got a hair-brained idea that we would sew her some smocks for work. She is a NICU nurse in Chicago, and we decided that surely, SURELY! It would not be that difficult to sew those smocks. Besides, I had just gotten this new fan-dangled fancy sch-mancy sewing machine from Jefe for Christmas. So of course we should try and teach ourselves to sew. It makes perfect sense. Right?

Especially knowing that my Junior High sewing teacher, Mrs. Purdy, pretty much banned me from sewing in class and relegated me to grading papers. I think it may have had something to do with the sewing of the finger, cutting the material wrong and ending up with 4 pieces instead of 2 and then sewing that wrongly cut fabric around... YES AROUND the sewing machine.
All in one week.
I dunno. I could be wrong.

Anyway...

Everywhere we had been looking for new smocks had these terrible tacky ones. And, really. Have you seen some of the adorable fabric out there?? Super cute! We set out to buy the pattern, the fabric and everything one would need to sew some sweet smocks.

The lady at the fabric store assured us that sewing is easy! It just following instructions... like putting together a bike. (Yeah. That should have been our first clue) Anyone can do it if they have half a brain, she told us.

Ummm. Yeah. She lied.
Big time.

After 8 hours...

YES.

Eight hours
of sewing...

All we had accomplished was the machine threaded, the pattern laid out and cut. The only sewing done, after 8 hours was the top.
Seriously.
We are smart people, the two of us.
But sewing? Ehh. Not so much.
Together we had half a brain. Maybe.
It was not an easy task... It took us a couple of hours just to figure out how to thread the damn thing.

Sewing is not easy. I suck at it. Big time.

So. Knowing this little story about me, imagine my horror when I had the following conversation with Jefe:

Jefe: MB, you need to sew a bunch of patches on Thing 2's scout uniform.

Me: I did. I used that handy-dandy glue stuff you can get at the scout office.

Jefe: Yeah. The patches are coming off. You need to sew them back on.

Me: You mean with the sewing machine?

Jefe: Or some such thing. Yes. You have to sew them.

Me: Do I have to use a needle? Cause, Jefe. Really. I don't do that.

Jefe: Yes. You need to use a needle and preferably thread too. And, it needs to be done today. Pack meeting is tonight and he's getting a bunch more awards... that you will have to sew on. With a needle and thread. Ummkay??!


Crap. Do you think he'll notice if I just use duct tape?


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31 monkeys jumping on the bed:

  1. heather said...

    Most dry cleaners/ tailors would do that for you. I'm pretty sure anyway. But, then the boy wouldn't have his shirt for the scout meeting. dang. Good luck -and I'll have to share my sewing machine story sometime... Lets just say I hear you. :)

  2. Scrappy Girl said...

    LOL! I own a sewing machine too...I just don't know where it is at the moment! I think it is in the basement. I am not a sewer either...that looks like sewer (as in flush the toilet sewer)...I guess I should say I am not a seamstress...Notice the word "stress"...hhmmmmm...Good luck with the patches...I say get out the glue gun!

  3. Shelle-BlokThoughts said...

    We are TWO peas in the same pod I tell ya! lol!

  4. Sher said...

    Ha! That is a funny story! My sewing expertise is limited to those hooded baby towels, and it's taken me years to "perfect" it.
    I also use the fabric glue sewless stitches or whatever they call it on the my kids karate uniforms. My remedy would be to re-glue them.
    Good luck!

  5. sue q said...

    Well...I hate to toot my own horn, but you're talking to Spartacus, here. Just box up the whole pile of smock stuff, and the scout uniform and patches, MAIL IT TO ME, and I'll happily relieve you of your sewing stress. 'Cause this is what I do. For a living. Every day. Call it stress management for the sewing impaired, whatever, but I'll gladly help you out. What are friends (okay, so we're total strangers) for? ;)

  6. Kellie Buckner said...

    duct tape answers everything.

  7. Jill said...

    If sue q can't get the job done, I'd also offer my services.

  8. myhappyplace said...

    Ugh! I'm with ya girl. Sewing and I do NOT mix. One question, does Jefe know about your past experiences in sewing and if so WHY did he buy you the sewing machine? Ok, that's 2 but who's counting?

  9. Kaci said...

    LOL I agree duct tape fixes it all! LOL! :)

  10. da Bergs said...

    HAHAHAHA!!! I dont sew either, a lady in our ward does it for me!!! BUT... duct tape??!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!! (ALTHOUGH, I DID send that with my boys on their missions and they used the day lights out of it!!! but... I dont think they used it to put patchs on.. hummm)

  11. ~The Robin's Nest~ said...

    Duct Tape RULES! I used to hem my jeans with it-I'm sure everyone here that lived any time in the eighty's duct tape their jeans OR made a halfie shirt by using duct tape!?! Tell me I'm not the only one! :)

  12. MERRIANNE said...

    ha ha!!

    i WISH i could sew!! wouldn't it be fun!?

    i SHOULD know how to sew... my MOM owns her own COMPANY sewing things!!!!!

    SHe makes the patterns & sews things for companies....

    i can't sew a straight line!!!!

    LONG LIVE THE DUCK TAPE!!!!!!!!

    {you & i really ARE soul sisters!}

  13. mikekaylynn said...

    They sell duct tape in all sorts of colors,so maybe you can get the tape to match the sash, and no one would notice. Kaylynn

  14. McEwens said...

    I dont sew, I dont own a machine,,,, and well, I once used duct tape to wrap a present...

  15. Mother Goose said...

    roflrofl, you had me laughing so hard about the duct tape. yeah, I don't like sewing patches on, so I just got that fabric glue and used a hot iron for scout patches and it WORKS great! if he had that, just re iron it and it will stick again or apply more glue.

    I CAN NOT follow a pattern for the life of me. I just cut and sew it to how I think it should go and it turns out perfect every time.
    My grandmother taught me how to make your own pattern. She traces a pair of pants or a skirt and sews it up. I made a lot of knit pants for my girls when they were younger. Don't follow a pattern. Make a trial pattern out of paper and then go to material.

  16. Frumpy Luv said...

    Oh, I don't think duct tape would be too bad - that's my type of 'sewing!' Hey - could you email me your address when you have a chance - that didn't show up on the box for some reason (frumpmyworld@live.com) ... finally getting around to some of these things ...

  17. Me said...

    Two words for you: super glue.

  18. flip flop mama said...

    Hilarious! Sorry you're having so many sewing troubles. I am so glad my mom taught me how to sew. I hardly do it but I'm glad I know for when the need arises. Good luck!

    Oh and totally use the super glue. Works wonders.

  19. So said...

    I honestly think that scout patches should be iron on. Really I do. I'm liking the using super glue idea as well.

    I can sew straight lines but that's it. And unless I have detailed directions on how to thread a machine I wouldn't be able to figure it out.

  20. Janice said...

    I can't sew either and fortunately, have a great friend who does it for me.

  21. tracystreehouse said...

    you know i'd do it for you! you know what i did? i gave my boy a bag of buttons, a needle and thread and a washcloth and let him go to town. i told him he had to have this sewing skill for his mission and he has since sewed on every patch he has ever earned. (he also irons his shirts and slacks every week for church!)

  22. Mother Goose said...

    well, congrats to your boy for getting more awards! He's doing great! get more glue and a very very hot iron with lots of pressure!

  23. Stephanie said...

    Go to walmart. Go to the infamous sewing department. Ask for stitch witchery. Go home take each patch cut out stitch witchery to match. Iron on the patch following the directions on the stitch witchery. Ta Da

  24. Liz said...

    As a mother of 3 Boy Scouts, a member of the Scout Committee, and a current Cubmaster (wow, I sound all important now, don't I?) my advice is to tell the Thing 2 that it is his resposibility to sew on his own patches. They won't look perfect, but he will be really proud of himself and you'll be off the hook!

  25. Colene said...

    Have thing 2 sew them on, that should be one of the scout requirements! I always wait til the last minute too. You could also pay a young women in the ward to do it or make a deal with someone at church who likes to sew. I've used safety pins before in pinch. ; ]

  26. Tammy said...

    I am woefully inept at sewing. I love the fact that when I attempted a serious bout of finishing an apron I started on enrichment night. Don kept looking out the window. When I asked him what he was looking for he said ti sounded like someone's engine wasn't starting...he completely forgot I was attempting to sew. FABULOUS!!!!

  27. Judi said...

    Love the sewing story!
    Did you know the scout office now has iron on patch stuff? it holds up under washing too!
    Great stuff, so I hear, I don't iron :0)

  28. wonder woman said...

    Don't know if this is too late or even something you want to do, but.......what about hand sewing? My sewing machine still scares me a bit.....but I can do it myself with a needle and some thread. It might take me 2 hours for one patch, but it's not as intimidating as the sewing machine.

    I'm going to suggest an enrichement activity in my ward where all the people who have sewing machines but don't know how to use them (like 4 of my friends) bring their machines and ladies in the ward who DO know come and share their expertise! Want to come when it happens?

  29. cally said...

    So funny! Patterns are confusing.

    Duct tape rules.

    One time I was in my favorite little fabric shop and a major business guy walks in with a scout uniform and a patch and asks if they could sew it on for him. They said no, they can't do that. He mumbled something like giving his wife sewing lessons for Christmas and gosh darn stupid patch...I was going to run after him and sew it on for a nominal fee, but he was gone. poor fellow.

  30. Jill said...

    I don't think you should sew the patches after you've used the glue. The glue will gum up the needle and cause even more frustration. (Trust me on this one, I am also one of those ladies who sews for a living)

    I've always said that there isn't anything that can't be fixed with duct tape, however, have you thought of staples?
    1/2 hour before my brother's Eagle court of honor, all of his merit badges still needed to be sewn on. Mom just got out the stapler, and in a few minutes, the whole thing was finished! (It looked good too!)

  31. VICKI IN AZ said...

    MB-
    Thanks for the trip into the archives.

    So I gave away my sewing machine years ago then I can say "I don't sew" without lying.

    I tried the "glue" also much to my husbands utter dismay. He became the patch sewer!